i'm a night owl

*sorry about the spelling...if you dont know my spelling issues-deal. also, i dont have a filter this late so...deal...or dont read it. i'm simply writing for the sake of writing...*
why do i stay up well past when i should be in bed? its past two here and i'm still up. my mind is wandering and truly i dont want to go to sleep. i know that i would feel better the sooner i went to bed but that would also mean that this night would be over. i'm not even doing anything, just allowing junk to stream in from the glowing screen. before i had kids i used to stay up this late all the time. often i would go for walks. the moonlight would drape around me making the ground glow. With it full above my head i felt like i was in another world, a world all my own. it was safe, quiet. nothing moved, all slept but me. in my silence and solitude i could find the peace i never found while the sun was shinning. perhaps this seems terrible to those who love the day. trust me i love the sun. its warm rays touching my body. but there is something special about the moon. that white globe you can stare at. asking questions and mumbling responses just doesn't quite hold up in the glaring daylight. in Fallon i had a lot of space to walk. i could pound out my pain, my troubles with the owls and the cayotes. we were comfortable together. my quiet steps, their silent eyes. the sage were more than spikey bushes, the horizons didn't end. secrets could be kept in the middle of the night. anything was possible at night- witches, fairies, dreams you didn't dare to tell anyone but the silent glowing banks hugging flowing rivers. when i moved to utah my walks didn't really change, just the scereny. i know i worried my parents. if only they knew i trecked the small streets of provo or cedar alone--so late. i found little houses with black windows that held lives i could only imagine. creepy guys not quite sure what to make of a lonely wanna-be goth-girl milling around in the middle of the night. i found anwsers driving in my car (when that finally came) well past three in the morning. the most beautiful mornings where after long nights. even with a full moon before the sun comes up the world starts to lighten. you're sure it was light before but suddenly grass begans to have a color, the dirt turns from white to a kind of brown, depth returns to those bushes. everything is possible as light peeks over mountain tops. yellow turns trees into golden statues reminding you that life exists. pink and purple help you to see the light blue of the sky. suddenly birds will start cherping. the sun doesn't just light up the world as it starts its daily journey it warms your soul as well. a warm cup poured directly into your core. you are that glowing tree, surounded by gold and pixie dust. i think i got through depression because of those long nights of walking, wondering why, wondering how, wondering...wondering...and those mornings that told me i would someday find answers. that someday i wouldn't cry, that someday i would love. and i do. so here i sit at 2:33 and why am i awake? i've fed alana twice since we first put her down and i just tried help Jade go potty then 'nuggled' with her until she was happy, and yet i'm restless. my sweet husband is dead asleep behind me on the couch. why cant i join him? i think it may be the silence. the alone-ness. there is nothing but the sound of my clicking, the hum of the computer. for the first time all day i can just think. i can ponder. my brain and me can be reunited. oh dear friend how are you this good night? i imagine that its just me and this computer with nothing but black behind me. there is nothing but these words, the beauty of them. the glory of langauge. i can imagine all over again. i can delve into the stories in my head. i can pretend that i'm a writer, i can go into my 'own little cornor'. tiredness seeps into my bones, my stomach, my squishy middle...but going to sleep...it means i have to wake up and be a mom again tomorrow. it means that all day i get to try again at all the things i feel i fail at. i know that when the sun is shinning everything will be fine. but tonight...in this blanket, this familiar blanket. it wraps around me, holding me tightly, reminding me that i am a woman. reminding me i am seperate. my brain still tinkers around. i am all that i want to be and all that i could be. nothing is lost. sinking into this alone-ness feels like a warm bath. my dear friend the moon, i wish we could once more walk together on those paths of country dirt. someday i'll lay in dew filled grass and count the stars again. i'll watch you swim across the sky. i'll bathe beneath your light. but for tonight i know i must seek sleep for alana will awaken again before its even five and then both kids will be up at seven. good night self, good night pixies.