soccer is finally over. thank heavens. JJ was super fun to watch. esc at being the goalie. she would crouch down and really 'gaurd' that goal. is was fun to watch. she didn't really understand the concept of aggression outside of the goal however. when someone else had the ball she was happy to let them kick it. such a polite little thing. alana's team was even more fun to watch. alana loved to be out on the field even though to her everyone was on her team and winning. they would just run around with the ball in the middle like a swarm of hornets. she celebrated every goal made by every team. its wonderful to see children playing these games. we adults are so focused on winning and being the best. these kids on other hand are just happy to kick the ball. they dont care how many times everyone scores they are just happy to be playing together. there was one dad who was super into the games. oh i was ready to just smack him. he was so upset that we were losing all the time. he would mumble under his breath and yell at his son to try harder. he wanted to win so badly. i felt he put way too much pressure on his son to live out this dream he had. it was obvious that the dad was not athletic so he was living vicariously through his son. i wish we didn't have to put so much pressure on kids. i mean why couldn't the guy just let the kids enjoy the game! just let them be kids. let the boys do head stands and the girls hold hands and look at flowers. they were having fun and isn't that why we put them into activities at this age. yes we want them to have goals and yes we want them to do their best but in the end dont we just want our kids to be happy. does it really matter if the five year olds lose every soccer game? enough ranting. i am happy soccer is finally over but it was really fun to watch the girls get better every week and enjoy playing.
we got a puppy about three weeks ago. she is a goldendoodle. we named her 'katie'. i love her. she is super hard. really because she is still jsut a baby. since i am the one home all day she is essentially my responsibility. so when she poops (all the time) i get to clean it up. i get to try to train her and the kids. it has not been easy. we got her because i was hoping it was going to help alana. i've read that dogs help kids with social things, educational problems, i mean everything. i just worry so much about this little girl and she loves animals so i was hoping this would help her. it has so far amounted to us having more reasons to get mad at her. she just cant leave the dog alone. she smothers it. or hurts it. i dont know i worry so much about alana. i took her to a counsillor this last week because she still is not totally potty trained. she understands the concept but she still pees her pants all day. why? its not that she cant go to the bathroom. its not like she doesn't know she is supposed to use the toilet. its like there is a disconnect. then there is the disconnect with communication. i never know what is really going on with her. for example: one day she came home from school and told me that 'cameron' was mean to her. after much proding i found out that he had used scissors to cut her all the way from her belly button to her breast bone. a huge scratch. she didn't tell her teacher. she didn't cry. how could it not have hurt? why didn't she tell her teacher? then she tells me that he has been mean to her everyday- never told me. so i tell her teacher we get the ball rolling. a week later she comes home and her eye is red and her nose is scratched. 'cameron pushed me and is mean all the time'. did he punch you in the face? no, he pushed me. in the face? yeah he pushed me in the face. so i tell her teacher. the teacher hasn't seen anything. alana never told her. the next day when she came home with her stuffed animal that i had told her she couldn't bring to school she tells me that cameron told her to bring it. when i ask her what they have been doing in school she tells me that they are having 'water parties' and going to the ocean. that everyday is her teachers birthday and everyday her teacher is giving her lollipops or cupcakes. i knwo these things are happening. so then the question becomes what do you believe. what is actually happening? she doesn't tell when something bad is going on unless you dig it out of her and then she makes up stories of stuff that isn't going on. its so hard. at home we try to get her to do things with us and she just ignores us. she will argue and try to change things until she gets her way. mostly it feels like we have to scream in order for her to even respond to what we are saying. then we have to threaten everything in the sun in order for her to obey what we are saying. i feel like i have tried everything. i have tried the time outs. i have tried talking to her and explaining why i ask her to do things. i have spanked her. i have taken away privileges, i have taken away toys. my heavens i've told her she cant go to school if she does such and such. and nothing matters. nothing gets through. i know that she is smart. i knwo that she is capable. its just like she doesn't really have things clicking or something. anyway so i took her to councilor and we will see what happens.
funny thing about the councilor. he is my ex boyfriend. yeah. so thats fun. i had NO idea. i went in there on a recommendation and who should walk out but rod! i was friends with him for a year then he was my rebound after i broke up with zac and when he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me i broke up with him. i'm not sure what to do about this. do i keep going to him because its convenient and it doesn't really weird me out. or do i find someone else because it might be weird for him. but you would think after 8 years it would be ok right? we'll see how next week goes.
other happenings- JJ had her first accident since she was about 3. they were taking a spelling test and she didn't think she could raise her hand. she was trying to be quiet so she just sat there and held it. well couldn't hold it anymore and peed her pants. poor thing. when i came to bring her new clothes her whole face got red and she hugged me so tight. i told her teacher 'hey make sure she knows that whenever she needs to go to the bathroom she can raise her hand and go'. Jadynne's teacher is super young. i wouldn't doubt that this is her first year out of byu. she isn't married, doesn't have kids. and while school teaches you a lot- without having your own kids, when you are that young you just dont really get it, i dont think. otherwise JJ loves school. she is having a great time. i love alana's teacher and i'm really hoping we can get things going academically for her so that she doesn't fall behind.
the twins. holy smokes i have twins. there are times when i think- holy hell i have 5 kids, where did that come from? the other night i went to the byu football game with john and jesse (we lost it was terrible) and i was driving home in shock that i had this whole family to go back to. sometimes i hear the 'mom! mom!' and still have to realize that i'm mom. i'm that lady. i'm responsible for all these little lives, all the homework, the feeding, the clothes, teaching the gospel, teaching life skills. thats my job. i dont feel old enough, smart enough or capable enough for this job. the twins have been really hard ever since we came back from colorado. they only sleep for about 45 mins at a time during the day and want to have a full bottle every two hours so it is a constant up and down all day. up and down up and down. there is a lot of crying in this house. a lot. they are both giggling now which is super cute. they are even starting to look at each other and smile. its amazing to see them start to register the world around them. i think the incremental changes are more recognizable because they are twins. it is amazing to have them both laughing at the same time. or to have them both looking at you and smiling. calvin has become much happier than william. he wakes up smiling and even jabbers in his sleep sometimes which is darling. so he and JJ talk in their sleep. cute. william is still fat and cute but man can that boy scream. he gets so mad so fast. he has been really hard lately. i have even put him in my wrap when i cant get him to stay asleep hoping that this would be the magic bullet. he does go to sleep but in his sleep he has this pathetic little cry the whole time.
it was conference this weekend. so much to repent for, so much to do better. i have decided that i'm going to the temple during the day without cameron because i just need it. i need to go as often as possible and even if that means i guilt people into watching my kids i cant wait around for cameron to go with me anymore. i need an added measure of the spirit in order for me to be a mom. because right now i feel like i'm drowning. so hopefully i can implement all the changes i feel are needed after watching conference and our home will become more peaceful. if anything i just need to feel like the lord is helping me survive something really hard. alright. enough yammering- pictures!
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