Scary week

So it's been a little bit of a stressful week. I have been feeling this tension and energy building for a while and a couple of days ago it felt about to explode. Thankfully I have a wonderful cousin that I could call. I called amber an she totally understood what I was going through. She understood my need to build a fire and watch things explode. She understood my wound up spring inside that was about to break. I was on the brink. She talked me down. She gave me tools. Predictably the following day I was lower than I've been in a long time. I couldn't force myself to care. It was hard to move. I wanted to hide. To run away and escape. Because now I have to face something I have been scared of for a while. I think I may be bipolar in some degree. My mom has been telling me this for years. No no I have shouted I merely struggle with depression. But two days ago I felt the brink of mania get ready to plunge me over the edge. Today the world feels right again. I feel peace. There are not sparkles in my view nor a tunnel allowing me a small window into the world. How long have I cycled and done things irrational? The blessing of my children two days ago is that because of them I called amber. Because of them, of not wanting them to have a memory of their mother throwing vodka into a fire I sought someone I knew could help me. This new reality I am looking at is frightening. It is scary. Cameron is supportive and kind. He isn't scared. Amazing. I am so blessed to have him and so many great supports in my life. When I called mom she simply was releaved to talk about it openly. She is wonderful. Somehow I will find my center, my peace. My life will not be destroyed by this imbalance. So here is to the future of figuring out my mess...