another day when learning to relax hasn't happend

ok...Jade this is for you when i need to embarrass you or make people laugh on your wedding day (if we both make it that long)
Jade woke up at 5 am...5...it was dark outside...we went back and forth from beds, i finally got her to stay in bed by taking away a bunch of glow in the dark jewlery. At about 7ish i hear both girls up and laughing. Then crying because Jade who has climbed into Alana's crib cant get out again. We all get dressed cameron leaves and alana looks tired so i put her in her bed for a nap. Jade HAD to put on her new ballet outfit. So i taught her how to 'ballet leap' and twirl with her hands in the air. Then we just danced to music for a while. When she was done dancing we colored then alana woke up and we had a snack. It was about 11:30. we went for a long walk. I had to buy hair dye so we walked all the way to Smith's. I thought they would be happier if i got them something -plus i've been wanting to get Jade a snow cone for a while. Into the store with the snow cone we go- its all over her the floor, the stroller- awesome. On the way home the other half of the snow cone that was in Alana's styrofoam cup gets spilled and Alana proceeds to eat the cup. not kidding. Jade is yawning and talking about how hungry she is the entire way home- how she needs a sandwich. Its 12:30 when we get home. I make a sandwich for Jade. She will not eat it. wont do it. no. eat or go to bed now- bite. eat or go to bed now- bite. Finally the blessed hour of one comes and its NAPTIME! Alana goes right down. I put Jade in our bed as usual. She is up. I show her that I am throwing away the ballet outfit that is so cherished. bearly a whimper. get her in bed and she starts crying- you will stay in bed. Daddy comes home about 3 mins later. He is swatting flies hears him and comes out 'i'll deal with this christie' After the third time of her coming out i roughly grab her and chuck her in bed 'DONT GET UP!' cameron leaves 15 mins later. i look in my room to see if she is finally sleeping....She is sitting on my bed eating my BoM. literally ripping out the pages and stuffing them in her mouth. i am flabbergasted. She has turned over the basket of folded laundry so that she could stand on it and proceed to spread my jewlery all over the place. The filing cabinet in the closet has its first drawer open with papers pulled out of it. i'm about to pull my hair out. Alana is up again. i have to dye my hair, its already mixed. I pull both kids out of the rooms with strict orders to 'behave!' I get a little dye on my hair when i hear something tinkling in the kitchen. rush in to find Jade has pulled a chair up to the counter, climbed it and is standing on the counter sucking on the end of a tylonol dropper with all the medicine around her. i yell (i admit it). She runs out. i go back to the bathroom to finish and she and alana have pulled everything on my side of the sink off including the fake flowers onto the floor. I push them both out. i am the huffing wolf. I get everything back in place get most of my hair done and see that jade has pulled all the magazines out. drop of dye on the bathroom sink. alana tries to paint the counter. It works. drops everwhere...i'm almost done. 'mama, i need to wash my hands' I missed getting one tub of lotion. Jade took it into the living room and dumped it on her head, all of it, on her head. i'm done dyeing and about to die. she pulls her panties off and gets into the tub. I am about to lose it--honestly its gone, whatever it is, i am devoid of 'it'. I get both girls in the tub. Since one cannot take a bath without the other. First they are very cute getting conditioner all over each other, washing each other up--except...they are getting conditioner all over each other. I take every bottle off of the tub sides. I start to fill the water. my hair is setting. Jade starts pushing alana's head under the water...i am the wicked witch, where is my broom and monkeys i want to sniff in those popey flowers. send me down a rabbit hole. finally we are all in the shower and i'm getting the dye out and putting the conditioner in when jade in using the side of the tub as a slide hits alana they both fall and alana bites her cheek...blood coming out of her mouth.
In the midst of melting down i called sarah - my life line - please my let come over, or come here or at least get jade to play with ethan i am going to die. so after the shower we all get into the car and head to sarah's. Jade falls asleep in the car...of course. If she could only learn to calm herself down without being strapped down i think we all would be happier. in the mean time i hope that i make it through tomorrow- i'm driving by myself with both girls...maybe i should consider alocholism...