tired

its 11:30 and i'm still up....again
the fatigue just sits into my bones
curving my back
slumping my shoulders
i should lie down to sleep
i should cut out a costume
i should call all those people i miss
i should
i should
i should
all these should's make big didn't's
but i did make a wreath today
i did finish one costume
i did watch a child
i did make apple sauce
i did ruin dinner in a very royal manner
i will be happy tomorrow
i will have too many projects
too many to-dos
too much crying
i will snuggle perfect angles
that often are in cahoots to kill me
i will kiss my best friend
i will feel loved
i will accept my life
at some point i'll figure out my guilt, i'll figure out my lists, i'll figure out my crazy... as i've often told others my girls are born emotionally handicapped- well now i know that they are actually just like me...i was born emotional
i was born crazy
i was born embarrassed
i was born enthusiastic
i was born with too much energy
i was born...me...

is there ever a time when we are not in a state of introspection?  so often i'm thinking about my life, my motivations, who am i, what am i doing, what should i be doing- is all this 'my, my, my' really just showing me that i'm completely self-obsessed?  maybe...probably...so how do i change this? 
i miss nevada.  i miss the brown. the warmth. the purple mountain majesties. i miss the ease of friendship. i miss those ties you made before kindergarten at the outdoor swimming pool when your mom just needed a break.  i miss the thrift stores. i miss those starry nights that cannot be touched by any other place i've been.  that milky way that shines so bright astronomy feel close.  that god feels close.  i miss my cool, wet lawn. i miss space between houses. i miss space that isn't landscaped and manicured and 'perfect' i miss trails that aren't paved or even beaten down. i miss the smell of sage after rain.  i miss being 5 and believing the perfume i made from that sage was the best smelling stuff there was- really i miss that perfume, i'd wear it now.  i miss dirt- real dirt.  not shipped in dirt- not dirt coming threw cracks, but real dirt- roads of dirt- plumes that waft behind you as you drive.  i miss the sun in the morning warming my back when the weather is changing to fall.  i miss places in the river where no one ever is...where you can be alone, where you can feel a part of the world, the nature, the planet. you can be a speck.  i miss never locking my doors. i miss the smell of alfalfa. i miss animals. i know that my home is here. that where my husband and children are that is my home. but fallon will always hold my heart.  that smell of cows on sheckler cut off on the way to the high school.  lattin farms and going and picking your own raspberries. church dances that were fun because my friends were there.  swimming like a fish- no constraints- just the cool feel of the water clothing me. i know that skinny-dipping is weird- whatever- i felt safe, enclosed, protected in that water... those sunsets that take up the entire sky will always spell home to me.  home to me means easy and that is what fallon is to me- easy.