10/5/2014- repentance

alright alright alright! i know! i fail miserably for about a month. bah. but i am back! so here is what happened in this last month. A) it was walker's birthday! wow. so fun. he finally turned three. i made him a spiderman cake and got a ton of spiderman toys. we sure love that boy. he had an absolute great time. Jadynne is starting to finally get the grasp of 'one thing i love about...' idea. so that made the birthday a little more special to hear what she actually loved about him as opposed to what we were telling her she loved about him. he is so sweet. well he was sweet. now he has become a hellion. seriously that kid is going to kill us. he flips out over everything! he is like that nursery rhyme 'when he is good he is very very good but when he is bad he is horrid.' pretty sure that rhyme was a girl but it still applies to walker. he and cameron are the best of friends. he loves to go to home depot -lookin at tools. he also loves to jump onto everything at full speed and strength. he gets a little too rough with everything and he has figured out the joys of being a pest. doing the same thing over and over again even though we have told him to stop. its a good thing i had all brothers because without them i would think that he was crazy- thankfully i know that he is normal. all around his birthday was fun and he was so happy.
soccer is finally over. thank heavens. JJ was super fun to watch. esc at being the goalie. she would crouch down and really 'gaurd' that goal. is was fun to watch. she didn't really understand the concept of aggression outside of the goal however. when someone else had the ball she was happy to let them kick it. such a polite little thing. alana's team was even more fun to watch. alana loved to be out on the field even though to her everyone was on her team and winning. they would just run around with the ball in the middle like a swarm of hornets. she celebrated every goal made by every team. its wonderful to see children playing these games. we adults are so focused on winning and being the best. these kids on other hand are just happy to kick the ball. they dont care how many times everyone scores they are just happy to be playing together. there was one dad who was super into the games. oh i was ready to just smack him. he was so upset that we were losing all the time. he would mumble under his breath and yell at his son to try harder. he wanted to win so badly. i felt he put way too much pressure on his son to live out this dream he had. it was obvious that the dad was not athletic so he was living vicariously through his son. i wish we didn't have to put so much pressure on kids. i mean why couldn't the guy just let the kids enjoy the game! just let them be kids. let the boys do head stands and the girls hold hands and look at flowers. they were having fun and isn't that why we put them into activities at this age. yes we want them to have goals and yes we want them to do their best but in the end dont we just want our kids to be happy. does it really matter if the five year olds lose every soccer game? enough ranting. i am happy soccer is finally over but it was really fun to watch the girls get better every week and enjoy playing.
we got a puppy about three weeks ago. she is a goldendoodle. we named her 'katie'. i love her. she is super hard. really because she is still jsut a baby. since i am the one home all day she is essentially my responsibility. so when she poops (all the time) i get to clean it up. i get to try to train her and the kids. it has not been easy. we got her because i was hoping it was going to help alana. i've read that dogs help kids with social things, educational problems, i mean everything. i just worry so much about this little girl and she loves animals so i was hoping this would help her. it has so far amounted to us having more reasons to get mad at her. she just cant leave the dog alone. she smothers it. or hurts it. i dont know i worry so much about alana. i took her to a counsillor this last week because she still is not totally potty trained. she understands the concept but she still pees her pants all day. why? its not that she cant go to the bathroom. its not like she doesn't know she is supposed to use the toilet. its like there is a disconnect. then there is the disconnect with communication. i never know what is really going on with her. for example: one day she came home from school and told me that 'cameron' was mean to her. after much proding i found out that he had used scissors to cut her all the way from her belly button to her breast bone. a huge scratch. she didn't tell her teacher. she didn't cry. how could it not have hurt? why didn't she tell her teacher? then she tells me that he has been mean to her everyday- never told me. so i tell her teacher we get the ball rolling. a week later she comes home and her eye is red and her nose is scratched. 'cameron pushed me and is mean all the time'. did he punch you in the face? no, he pushed me. in the face? yeah he pushed me in the face. so i tell her teacher. the teacher hasn't seen anything. alana never told her. the next day when she came home with her stuffed animal that i had told her she couldn't bring to school she tells me that cameron told her to bring it. when i ask her what they have been doing in school she tells me that they are having 'water parties' and going to the ocean. that everyday is her teachers birthday and everyday her teacher is giving her lollipops or cupcakes. i knwo these things are happening. so then the question becomes what do you believe. what is actually happening? she doesn't tell when something bad is going on unless you dig it out of her and then she makes up stories of stuff that isn't going on. its so hard. at home we try to get her to do things with us and she just ignores us. she will argue and try to change things until she gets her way. mostly it feels like we have to scream in order for her to even respond to what we are saying. then we have to threaten everything in the sun in order for her to obey what we are saying. i feel like i have tried everything. i have tried the time outs. i have tried talking to her and explaining why i ask her to do things. i have spanked her. i have taken away privileges, i have taken away toys. my heavens i've told her she cant go to school if she does such and such. and nothing matters. nothing gets through. i know that she is smart. i knwo that she is capable. its just like she doesn't really have things clicking or something. anyway so i took her to councilor and we will see what happens.
funny thing about the councilor. he is my ex boyfriend. yeah. so thats fun. i had NO idea. i went in there on a recommendation and who should walk out but rod! i was friends with him for a year then he was my rebound after i broke up with zac and when he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me i broke up with him. i'm not sure what to do about this. do i keep going to him because its convenient and it doesn't really weird me out. or do i find someone else because it might be weird for him. but you would think after 8 years it would be ok right? we'll see how next week goes.
other happenings- JJ had her first accident since she was about 3. they were taking a spelling test and she didn't think she could raise her hand. she was trying to be quiet so she just sat there and held it. well couldn't hold it anymore and peed her pants. poor thing. when i came to bring her new clothes her whole face got red and she hugged me so tight. i told her teacher 'hey make sure she knows that whenever she needs to go to the bathroom she can raise her hand and go'. Jadynne's teacher is super young. i wouldn't doubt that this is her first year out of byu. she isn't married, doesn't have kids. and while school teaches you a lot- without having your own kids, when you are that young you just dont really get it, i dont think. otherwise JJ loves school. she is having a great time. i love alana's teacher and i'm really hoping we can get things going academically for her so that she doesn't fall behind.
the twins. holy smokes i have twins. there are times when i think- holy hell i have 5 kids, where did that come from? the other night i went to the byu football game with john and jesse (we lost it was terrible) and i was driving home in shock that i had this whole family to go back to. sometimes i hear the 'mom! mom!' and still have to realize that i'm mom. i'm that lady. i'm responsible for all these little lives, all the homework, the feeding, the clothes, teaching the gospel, teaching life skills. thats my job. i dont feel old enough, smart enough or capable enough for this job. the twins have been really hard ever since we came back from colorado. they only sleep for about 45 mins at a time during the day and want to have a full bottle every two hours so it is a constant up and down all day. up and down up and down. there is a lot of crying in this house. a lot. they are both giggling now which is super cute. they are even starting to look at each other and smile. its amazing to see them start to register the world around them. i think the incremental changes are more recognizable because they are twins. it is amazing to have them both laughing at the same time. or to have them both looking at you and smiling. calvin has become much happier than william. he wakes up smiling and even jabbers in his sleep sometimes which is darling. so he and JJ talk in their sleep. cute. william is still fat and cute but man can that boy scream. he gets so mad so fast. he has been really hard lately. i have even put him in my wrap when i cant get him to stay asleep hoping that this would be the magic bullet. he does go to sleep but in his sleep he has this pathetic little cry the whole time.
it was conference this weekend. so much to repent for, so much to do better. i have decided that i'm going to the temple during the day without cameron because i just need it. i need to go as often as possible and even if that means i guilt people into watching my kids i cant wait around for cameron to go with me anymore. i need an added measure of the spirit in order for me to be a mom. because right now i feel like i'm drowning. so hopefully i can implement all the changes i feel are needed after watching conference and our home will become more peaceful. if anything i just need to feel like the lord is helping me survive something really hard. alright. enough yammering- pictures!

 

 

 
 
 
 
 

9/22/2014- so late!

9/8/2014

It is walker's birthday today. what a delightful little boy he is. i will add more later and write more but the house is a mess, and i have a spiderman cake to make!

8/31/14

this is not as easy as you would think to keep this habit alive. its not that i dont love writing, its the pressure of writing about the week. will i forget things? (yes) will i be able to really describe it properly? (no) i know that this is important but honestly i hope no one ever reads this again because i'm sure i'm missing the very most important parts of life in this blog. so what happened this week? well on saturday i had brunch with david and john. it was great. then as a family we went over to john's house and picked fruit. they have so much fruit growing in the back yard of this new house they are renting that it is out of control. the twins had been SO fussy. so after picking fruit for 3+hours i took them to the instacare. they would only be happy if i was holding them AND standing up. i held them both (at the same time) and swayed for over three hours while at the drs office. william has a terrible ear infection and calvin is so congested in his lungs that the prescribed me a nebulizer. awesome. i did not get home until after 11 pm. it was a long long day. stayed home from church today since they were sick. make plum jam, plum pie and canned whole plums. dont worry managed to break a mason jar while trying to seal it up, getting the oven flithy and cutting my hand up...it was successful i'd say. JJ had a talk today in primary. i wrote down what she wanted to say and that girl is hilarious. it was about keeping the sabath day holy. the best line- and why cant we have another day to play? because then when would we go to church and learn about jesus! she is so funny. so engaged. i'm sad i missed her actually giving it. ok so this week........alana is still loving school and every day asks when ballet is or soccer or piano. she is also convinced that everyday is either walker, Jadynne or her own birthday. its a hard thing to have to tell her 'no its not their birthday today'. she is doing better at not wetting the bed at night. thank heavens! we were about to lose it. she is also getting better at practicing the piano with me everyday. watching her play soccer is so sweet because you see how little competition means to her. she kicks the ball and is excited to be in the game but she is just as happy to see other kick the ball. her words are getting so much better as well. being around kids everyday that are her age i think is really helping her already.
Jadynne is so funny. she is doing better at violin wchih is nice and still really loves it. she is funny to watch at soccer because sometimes she is super focused on the ball and other times she is staring off into neverland watching the fairies dance with peter pan. i didn't expect her to get tired as often as she does. i guess that is what happens when you dont eat much and your just a tiny little thing. she is also loving school. most of the time she comes home really happy. everyday i ask her waht she learned about and still she wont anwser my question. i think its become a joke for her now. the other day she came home sad because she didn't have anyone to play with at recess and no one picked her for some game they were doing in the classroom. i dont want to be one of those over bearing helicopter mothers but i HATE that anyone would hurt her feelings. i think she is seriously the coolest kid and cant imagine anyone NOT wanting to play with her.she is sweet and funny. i dont get it. i tried to help her solve the problem by thinking of people she could ask to play with. i just know how it feels to feel out of place. first grade was SO hard for me. it was when i realized i couldn't read and the other kids started to realize it too. other grades were worse but i dont want school to ever be bad for her. i want her to just love it and have everyone see how great she is. Regean (our neighbor) can be a great kid and nice to her but sometimes! man she can be such a brat and hurt JJ's feelings so badly. it makes me want to yell at regean. i just want to tell regean you are not as cool as you think you are. buck up kid. i dont know what to do. then alana comes home and tells me that there is a kid at school that is mean to her and hits her. she tells me things that i know dont happen (like they went to the beach, or they have water parties everyday) but if some boy really is being mean to her what do i do? do i tell the teacher and make sure she is aware? do i find out who it is and talk to that kids mother? or do i leave it alone and allow my daughters to grow through these terrible experiences? does ever parent think their kid is the cutest most amazing kid in the world? probably. but mine really are. so i haven't figured out what to do about the 'mean kids' thing yet. i think its important to figure out how to deal with crappy people but i also dont want them to learn about crappy people too young. or hurt unnecessarily. being a parent is hard. there are days i just feel like i am failing these children. like what am i doing?
walker is cute and SO WHINY. IT is making cameron and i lose it. we are just ready to go to the loony bin. he screams and cries no matter what is going on. if he is nto getting his way imediately he flips his lid. the other night he said 'mom go fill up my sippy cup this instant!' yeah. thanks buddy. today he was yelling at me on the floor that he wanted syrup. i said (for the hundredth time) i am making the syrup buddy you can wait. --still screaming-- so finally i said, look buddy you cannot yell and boss me around! i am your mother. i carried you in my tummy for 9 months. i could have chosen not to have you! you will be respectful to me!
perhaps i went a little overboard on that. i just was so frustrated! between the twins never sleeping in the day longer than 15mins and walker throwing fits i'm about to run my head into a wall.
cameron has decided to learn to play the piano so he is outside right now practicing a song he wants to learn. it hink its great. he has always wished he played so GO GET EM BABE! the house is a disaster. i have so much to perserve and can tomorrow. i still need to register for slcc so taht we can get started on going to school. if i dont get everyhting set up it wont happen. i also need to schedule an appt for cam for his knee. i need to get back on the diet for this 60 day challenge. there feels like a weight on my chest that just wont go away i have so much to do. i never get enough done and i'm always behind. always. if i dont get the fruit done in time it will go bad. like half the plums i got from a friend. perfect. i'm sitting at the computer feeling overwhelmed and 'stress paralyzed'. so i'm going to go to bed and start the day fresh, happy and anew.

all the fermenting- bread in the bread maker, apple cider being made from apple cores, apple sauce, beet sauerkraut, the kefir was in the fridge. its gotten a bit crazy.

have to workout everyday for this 60day challenge so this is me at midnight after finally finishing my workout

both boys at the instacare for the 10mins i got to sit down since i was feeind william. see calvin's head? he was on his belly on my legs

the beginnings of plum jelly. has to boil for like 2 days so that is the beginning.

8/25/2014 starting school

so last week was the first week of school for alana and jj. wow. what a week. so busy. they are both doing ballet, soccer and a musical class. jj is doing violin again and alana is going a piano class. it has been hectic. i did not get all the stuff done i needed to get done. what a nightmare that was. walker got sick on saturday (threw up three times). i had to teach on sunday in RS. i loved that. i love to teach it is amazing. the spirit teaches me so much while i prepare and then when i teach i learn so much. its awesome. i love to feel the spirit so strong. the girls each had soccer games during the week then on saturday. it was wonderful to see. it has been busy busy busy. thankfully soccer is only this month. i got alana out of practices but of course Trevor (our neighbor and JJ's coach) wants to do 2 practices a week in addition to the 2 games. aaahhhhhh! i think NO NO NO. i mean the kids are 6 and 7. alana is loving school. jj keeps saying that her teacher is the nicest person in the world but that she is teaching her like a kindergartner. not sure what that means. ok i'll have to post again this week because i have to get out of here to pick up alana.