tired

its 11:30 and i'm still up....again
the fatigue just sits into my bones
curving my back
slumping my shoulders
i should lie down to sleep
i should cut out a costume
i should call all those people i miss
i should
i should
i should
all these should's make big didn't's
but i did make a wreath today
i did finish one costume
i did watch a child
i did make apple sauce
i did ruin dinner in a very royal manner
i will be happy tomorrow
i will have too many projects
too many to-dos
too much crying
i will snuggle perfect angles
that often are in cahoots to kill me
i will kiss my best friend
i will feel loved
i will accept my life
at some point i'll figure out my guilt, i'll figure out my lists, i'll figure out my crazy... as i've often told others my girls are born emotionally handicapped- well now i know that they are actually just like me...i was born emotional
i was born crazy
i was born embarrassed
i was born enthusiastic
i was born with too much energy
i was born...me...

is there ever a time when we are not in a state of introspection?  so often i'm thinking about my life, my motivations, who am i, what am i doing, what should i be doing- is all this 'my, my, my' really just showing me that i'm completely self-obsessed?  maybe...probably...so how do i change this? 
i miss nevada.  i miss the brown. the warmth. the purple mountain majesties. i miss the ease of friendship. i miss those ties you made before kindergarten at the outdoor swimming pool when your mom just needed a break.  i miss the thrift stores. i miss those starry nights that cannot be touched by any other place i've been.  that milky way that shines so bright astronomy feel close.  that god feels close.  i miss my cool, wet lawn. i miss space between houses. i miss space that isn't landscaped and manicured and 'perfect' i miss trails that aren't paved or even beaten down. i miss the smell of sage after rain.  i miss being 5 and believing the perfume i made from that sage was the best smelling stuff there was- really i miss that perfume, i'd wear it now.  i miss dirt- real dirt.  not shipped in dirt- not dirt coming threw cracks, but real dirt- roads of dirt- plumes that waft behind you as you drive.  i miss the sun in the morning warming my back when the weather is changing to fall.  i miss places in the river where no one ever is...where you can be alone, where you can feel a part of the world, the nature, the planet. you can be a speck.  i miss never locking my doors. i miss the smell of alfalfa. i miss animals. i know that my home is here. that where my husband and children are that is my home. but fallon will always hold my heart.  that smell of cows on sheckler cut off on the way to the high school.  lattin farms and going and picking your own raspberries. church dances that were fun because my friends were there.  swimming like a fish- no constraints- just the cool feel of the water clothing me. i know that skinny-dipping is weird- whatever- i felt safe, enclosed, protected in that water... those sunsets that take up the entire sky will always spell home to me.  home to me means easy and that is what fallon is to me- easy.

another day when learning to relax hasn't happend

ok...Jade this is for you when i need to embarrass you or make people laugh on your wedding day (if we both make it that long)
Jade woke up at 5 am...5...it was dark outside...we went back and forth from beds, i finally got her to stay in bed by taking away a bunch of glow in the dark jewlery. At about 7ish i hear both girls up and laughing. Then crying because Jade who has climbed into Alana's crib cant get out again. We all get dressed cameron leaves and alana looks tired so i put her in her bed for a nap. Jade HAD to put on her new ballet outfit. So i taught her how to 'ballet leap' and twirl with her hands in the air. Then we just danced to music for a while. When she was done dancing we colored then alana woke up and we had a snack. It was about 11:30. we went for a long walk. I had to buy hair dye so we walked all the way to Smith's. I thought they would be happier if i got them something -plus i've been wanting to get Jade a snow cone for a while. Into the store with the snow cone we go- its all over her the floor, the stroller- awesome. On the way home the other half of the snow cone that was in Alana's styrofoam cup gets spilled and Alana proceeds to eat the cup. not kidding. Jade is yawning and talking about how hungry she is the entire way home- how she needs a sandwich. Its 12:30 when we get home. I make a sandwich for Jade. She will not eat it. wont do it. no. eat or go to bed now- bite. eat or go to bed now- bite. Finally the blessed hour of one comes and its NAPTIME! Alana goes right down. I put Jade in our bed as usual. She is up. I show her that I am throwing away the ballet outfit that is so cherished. bearly a whimper. get her in bed and she starts crying- you will stay in bed. Daddy comes home about 3 mins later. He is swatting flies hears him and comes out 'i'll deal with this christie' After the third time of her coming out i roughly grab her and chuck her in bed 'DONT GET UP!' cameron leaves 15 mins later. i look in my room to see if she is finally sleeping....She is sitting on my bed eating my BoM. literally ripping out the pages and stuffing them in her mouth. i am flabbergasted. She has turned over the basket of folded laundry so that she could stand on it and proceed to spread my jewlery all over the place. The filing cabinet in the closet has its first drawer open with papers pulled out of it. i'm about to pull my hair out. Alana is up again. i have to dye my hair, its already mixed. I pull both kids out of the rooms with strict orders to 'behave!' I get a little dye on my hair when i hear something tinkling in the kitchen. rush in to find Jade has pulled a chair up to the counter, climbed it and is standing on the counter sucking on the end of a tylonol dropper with all the medicine around her. i yell (i admit it). She runs out. i go back to the bathroom to finish and she and alana have pulled everything on my side of the sink off including the fake flowers onto the floor. I push them both out. i am the huffing wolf. I get everything back in place get most of my hair done and see that jade has pulled all the magazines out. drop of dye on the bathroom sink. alana tries to paint the counter. It works. drops everwhere...i'm almost done. 'mama, i need to wash my hands' I missed getting one tub of lotion. Jade took it into the living room and dumped it on her head, all of it, on her head. i'm done dyeing and about to die. she pulls her panties off and gets into the tub. I am about to lose it--honestly its gone, whatever it is, i am devoid of 'it'. I get both girls in the tub. Since one cannot take a bath without the other. First they are very cute getting conditioner all over each other, washing each other up--except...they are getting conditioner all over each other. I take every bottle off of the tub sides. I start to fill the water. my hair is setting. Jade starts pushing alana's head under the water...i am the wicked witch, where is my broom and monkeys i want to sniff in those popey flowers. send me down a rabbit hole. finally we are all in the shower and i'm getting the dye out and putting the conditioner in when jade in using the side of the tub as a slide hits alana they both fall and alana bites her cheek...blood coming out of her mouth.
In the midst of melting down i called sarah - my life line - please my let come over, or come here or at least get jade to play with ethan i am going to die. so after the shower we all get into the car and head to sarah's. Jade falls asleep in the car...of course. If she could only learn to calm herself down without being strapped down i think we all would be happier. in the mean time i hope that i make it through tomorrow- i'm driving by myself with both girls...maybe i should consider alocholism...

tenacious

there a few words to describe jade: stalwart, unwavering, really really smart, tenacious...we got these glow in the dark bracelettes (sp?) from micheals for a dollar the other day. last night cameron gave jade one before bed. he told her he was only giving her ONE. she wanted the other one, she wanted an orange one. ten minutes of arguing later and she finally realized that dad was serious. he would give her the 'orange' one tomorrow. she went to bed. In th wee hours this morning i hear jade's door open. it is dark. its the dark right before the sun comes up, so you know its morning but to be awake is a sin. then i hear a plastic bag, our door 'orange, mommy, orange' huh? 'orange dada' 'jade what time is it? you need to be in bed, get back in bed now.' 'orange dada' She had woken at the crack of dawn found the bag with the glow in the dark bracelettes hidden behind the couch and come to tell us that she wanted her orange bracelette now. it was tomorrow afterall. you know that this girl is always going to get what she sets her mind on...stand strong in the face of opposition and accomplish her goal because dang it orange bracelette are IMPORTANT!

normal day...

highlights:
i told jade that she couldn't play with the cue sticks. 'why?' 'because you're a kid and these are for adults.' 'i'm not a kid i'm a princess.'

we had to go to a funeral so i was trying to explain what a funeral was. i told jade that when this nice lady was done with life she was going home in heaven to heavenly father. 'i want to go' 'where do you want to go' 'i want to go with jesus.'

As i was getting ready for the funeral i was on the phone with friend ooh and aahing over her problem. i went into my bedroom to change my clothes. i didn't think about how jade and alana where still in the bathroom i had just left. when i went back into the bathroom jade had gone poop in the toilet and alana was playing in the unflushed toilet. Jade was standing on a chair in front of the mirror cutting her hair.

Joel, the boys and joel's girlfriend came over for dinner last night. Jade was on one. At first she couldn't leave nathan alone and kept getting right into his face or jumping on his lap. Next she moved onto Connor. She would stand on the arm of the couch and jump on him. over and over and over. finally he looks at me and i said, she's not going to stop. so he turns towards the tv and ignores her. she jumps on him. By the end of the night she is playing slide down luchie's legs. Alana on the other hand freaked everyone out with her climbing. she only fell once but was of course on everything. She flirted with everyone and then walked around and made everyone laugh--she walks like she is drunk all the time. And when she is trying to get a grin she pushes out her butt and chest and saunters away. pretty funny.

so that someday i will laugh...

mom suggested that i write some of this stuff down that has been happening so that someday i can look back and laugh...sure. jade is a maniac. she doesn't sleep. seriously. we have been fighting her for weeks on bed time. since we've moved into our new place we cannot tie her door closed. therefore we put her ot bed- she gets up- we put her to bed- she gets up and wakes up alana- repeat for two hours. so i gave in to cameron last night and we pushed her bedtime back an hour. why not put her to bed when she actually was falling asleep before...i put alana to bed first then sat on the floor and read to jade for an hour. we sang songs, we brushed her teeth, we said a prayer and i layed her bed. she was yawning and rubbing her eyes- so stinkin' tired, i thought this may actually work. my was i wrong. not even two minutes after i put her to bed she is up, she smiling little face peeking out the door- runs back to bed. three minutes later she wakes up alana. she wasn't asleep until ten. alana woke up at midnight, sometime later, three, and then jade woke up and then was up for good at 6:30am........yeah. the other night i prayed what to do and thought 'be more loving'. i'll tell you something thats the hardest thing to be. since i got a pass to seven peaks yesterday my new plan is the go every morning for an hour. we went, the girls were having a ball. after rescuing jade from trying to drowned herself under the tire swing for the fourth time it had been an hour and it was time to go home. i pulled jade out of the pool and the tantrum ensued. falling down, screaming, running away, trying to get back into the pool, a full blown death is approaching tantrum. finally strap both girls back into our car and i look over- lo and behold alana has thrown up all over herself...awesome. clean her up. on the way home i look back and more throw up and what is that, what is that all over her legs, her hands, oooooh diaherra...everywhere...throw up and diaherra all over everything....nothing could make this better. fast forward to after lunch. alana of course goes down like a saint since she is trying to transition to one nap a day. i put jade in my bed with books, toys, all her stuff. door, put her back to bed, door, put her back to bed, door....time out! crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying. put her back to bed- she is finally out. maybe. yesterday she found the diaper cream i had accidently left on the floor and rubbed it all over her body, hair and the brand new carpet...this morning she found a blue colored pencil that i had left on the dest and marked all over a wall. how about some cute things? this morning cameron went to get alana out of bed and she was playing pook-a-boo with her blanket when he walked it. so cute. before the dredded naptime with jade we couldn't find her and she was sitting on her bed 'i'm reading daddy' dang cute. when i was stressed trying to clean diaherra and throw up off everything jade says 'i want to dance'. i cry most nights lately. if you wanted to know the truth here. motherhood is hard, i'm not good at it. i'm trying to figure out how to do this. but someday when i'm old and gray i believe i'll read over this and laugh and think wow what a ride that was.

so we moved...

we hated our old landlords, couldn't wait to get away from them but cameron hates to move. since he did it a lot of his growing up years he has a lot more experiance with it than i do. we looked and looked and couldn't find a dang thing. we thought- shoot one more flippin' year with these people! we signed the contract and gave it to our landlords. That same day i was talking one of our neighbors. They had found this 'perfect' apt but didn't want to move--they walked us right over. It fit every requirement we had. we moved in a week later! It is $25 cheaper than what we were paying last year- its mostly in the ground but wonder of wonders all the windows are above ground and therefore feels like its not a basement! The rooms but the kitchen have ceiling fans :D It has brand new carpet and paint. huge rooms! did i mention that? HUGE HUGE HUGE rooms. our master bedroom is enormous, i think its the biggest room of the apt. the girls are now sharing a room and i think its going to be great. with any move there will be some growing pains. The move---sucked. it really really sucks to move. as this is the first time that i have moved as a family unit i was surprised by how much it sucked. i lived my whole life in the same house. when you're single and moving its not a big deal since everything you own can fit your backseat. Cameron and I moved into our last apt before Jade was born and therefore we had almost nothing. fast forward three years and we have a ridicilous amount of crud! I now understand why cameron did not want to move. Most everything is unpacked which is great. and we really love this little gem. it has a backyard and everything. we are a block away from the park. Cameron can still walk to work which was a necesity. i mean the only negative about this apt is that it doesn't have enough storage. we hated having to leave our friends at the old place. but we are still close enough that hanging out shouldn't be too hard. Anyway- sarah was amazing and watched our kids overnight for us!!! we could not have moved if she hadn't done that. Jay and Jesse helped us load and unload...Anyway- we are so excited about this and just wish that all our friends lived close enough to see our new diggs and be excited about them with us. it just feels like a new start and even when you liked your 'old' life doesn't a new beginning just feel refreshing sometimes--like taking a shower in the middle of the day sometimes just feels really good...here some pics...befores and afters:

some pics to catch us all up...i'm really behind.

so...life has been good over here. cameron is still doing school- forever. the kids are so fun. its been a pretty busy time over here. we just got done with Amber's wedding- that is cameron's sister. I did her hair and make up for the event, but of course we didn't get pics of her...just the before hand. jade was the flower girl- so cute, and i was a bridesmaid. Amber and Justin seem so happy! so that is great! Amber looked beautiful. And Justin seemed so happy to get this lovely lady. Cameron's family was up here for the wedding and we had the privledge of having Ben and Lynn stay with us, it was really fun... I'm really finding my girl side of loving to shop and spend money...its a problem in our lives. Jade is getting better and better at talking. she cracks me up. I love her new phrase of 'a little bit' 'mama hold me a little bit' 'read a little bit'. So funny. Alana isn't walking yet, she is super close! but man she loves to climb. this is my rock climber for sure. She gets into everything, and is better at making messes then Jade, which is really saying something. They are playing together much better. its cute to see them chase each other. and then giggle. Anyway, life is really great over here. We're busy and i'm tired most of the time, but life is great. here are a few more pics

oh yeah...i fell and biffed it at amber's wedding...jade and i were the first ones down the aisle. awesome

Alana Mae Brady

Happy Birthday my dear baby. You are one years old. I know i'm a little late in posting here. Alana you came into this world screaming, you screamed for months afterward and now that you are finally sleeping through the night i feel like i'm really getting to know you- happy. You have become a happy child, thank you. I love how smart you are. It is amazing to see how quickly you pick things up, to see you figure things out. You love to tease your sister and it is funny. This morning you were trying to comb your hair (the little you have). I love to see you problem solve. It is amazing how you can figure out how to get what you want. You are the squirmest child i've ever come across. but right before we put you to bed i love that you snuggle with me. I love that you hug us and put your head down on our shoulders. You are definately my hyde baby- thank you. I love you ears, and that you are big like your mama was when she was little. I love your big cheeks and your amazing smile. your eyes are absolutely beautiful. i love your little soft hands. I love how much you use your legs- i think you have more control over those than your arms. I really love you alana and our lives would not be complete with you. Happy birthday baby.

Alana

Alana did not have chicken pox or scarlet fever. She had rosella...weird. All her symptoms fit i wonder why i never found it online. Anyway, we are now retraining her to sleep. i'm quite tired.

Jobs

I got a job!! Before I left to go and search for jobs i knelt down and prayed that the Lord would guide my feet. I went everywhere, I got a lot of applications. The last place I went was Ruby River. My neighbor Jay works there and we all know that he is leaving since he is done with school, lucky. So I went in, acted like i was the best human being to grace this planet and got an interview right there. The manager just graduated from UVU in English and wants to be a professor (yaeh i got that lucky). therefore the entire interview was pretty much talking about english. I couldn't ahve picked a better manager. At the end of the conversation he said to call him on Sunday and that I would probably start on monday- yeah. Amazing i know. I was shaking so hard the whole time and my heart was going a million miles a minute. I forgot how scary it is to put yourself out there. I mean, its just scary to go in and sell yourself...I'm really hoping everything will be ok, the schedules wont be too hard and htat i'll make a ton of money...I've been a stay at home mom for almost three years...now i'm going to be working part time and honestly, i'm scared to death. but super excited that my prayers were answered. Thank you Jay for letting me throw your name around. :D

no house

oh yeah- we aren't buying a house anymore...just doesn't make sense when you're not sure where the flip you are going to be in six months. someday i'll have my garden, someday i'll have a yard, someday i'll have my chickens and dogs...someday, but not today

chicken pox

'goldie locks has chicken pox from head to toe with pocko-dots...' I'm pretty sure alana has chicken pox. good bye world for at least 7days

getting house

we are trying to buy a house...wow. isn't that nuts? i think it is. its the only thing i think about, the only thing i have been doing for over a week. its crazy to think that i'm old enough to be even talking about becoming a home owner. The crazier part- cameron isn't done with school...he is not in the career he wants to be in forever...So, this is the thought process- why rent when we can spend about the same amount on a house a month? granted this limits what we can actually buy, but right now there are some real options. i mean, and even if we move in a year or two we can definately rent or sell it...because we are only going to buy something we feel is a deal. anyway...everyday i come upon a house that i MUST have and everyday i find out that not only did someone else MUST have it they GOT it...someday i'm hoping i'll be that someone....the one that GOT it. i really dont feel like i'm old enough to be making these kinds of decisions...but i am 25, i do have two kids... sometimes my life hits me and i cant really believe that its mine. i go about my day to day activities without a thought...introspection doesn't happen every moment, but when it does- wow. i still feel about 18. Granted when i'm around anyone younger than 21 i cant help but think 'oh babies...' *shrug* its not that i'm more mature than a sixteen year old, i'm just in such a different stage of life. the things that i worry about are so different than they were when i was 18 or 21 and single. anyway, so we're looking for a house. and this means that i haven't cleaned or cooked in over a week, the laundry has piled and piled. today is the first day that i've worn make-up...lets all pray that i can calm down here and get some other things done. has anyone ever noticed that i'm wound up tight? here all this time i thought i was a free spirited, relaxed hippie type person-- not so my friends, not so. instead i am...tightly wound...i'm like my parents- wound up, focused, type A...a blazing RED...a Hera...yeah. we get things done right? so, i'm rambling--the point is....pray we find the perfect house and soon so that my children will no longer look homeless and my husband wont lose 10 pounds. i'm off to make chocolate cookies- thank you tina for the margrine.

Easter

well, we had a great easter, does anyone say anything else? wouldn't it be funny if someone was like man easter sucks!!! ok ok i'm back on track. well, on saturday cameron called me on his way to school to tell me that the park was hosting a big easter egg hunt for kids in about 20mins....i rushed, i got the kids ready, i ran around the house and i got out into the stroller in the freezing wind. as i locked the house i heard from the park's direction a loud voice...we missed it...they had started without us...no egg hunting...we still braved the weather to go to the store and get eggs to dye and candy to add to my hips. the easter bunny came saturday night and left a great little basket for jj and one for cameron even. wow. jade had candy, movies, sunglasses, and a fake cell phone in her basket. what an easter bunny i'd say. target must have been having a sale...and the disney store...we went to the mall on saturday and it was so fun and not good all at once...never go into the dinsey store with a girl that has huge eyes to look up at you. There were these gold belle slippers that light up when walked on...they are platforms, lets be honest for 7 dollars how could be refuse? Jade calls them her 'princess shoes' she kind of likes them...a lot! on sunday we dyed eggs on the kitchen floor, it was very fun. i made sugar cookies and...failed, miserably. i turned up the oven too high, which burnt the first batch then none of my pans were cleaned...i gave up. Jade did like cutting out the cookies. but we did not eat any that were cooked up. after conference on sunday cameron hid a bunch of eggs out on the lawn/dirt patch. Jade loved it. we had fun. lets be honest alana couldn't care less about the duck i got her, and i didn't get her any candy. yeah, she doesn't need more sugar. on the thursday before this weekend i decided to make jade an easter dress....hours later i got a dress out and although it may have looked ok on it did not work--too much vision not enough functionality. we had jesse and sarah come over for dinner on sunday which was great. we played 'ticket to ride' and of course i won!!! wahahahahaaaaaa! it felt great, although i really shouldn't gloat because they hadn't played before so eh- next time they will kill me. anyway it was great to spend time with them, i love my family.
conference was great- unfortunately i slept a lot...i'm a little tired. but really the main message i heard was about being a good parent. how important it is to be there for your kids, to be a good example and to love them unconditionally. i'm now trying to get to the gym at 5am so that i'm up and happy by the time they wake up. i did it for the first time today and so far its working, we'll see how long i can do this.... pictures!!

our amazing snychornized swimming

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=396927977496

i hope this works...this is from our talent show...its not the best quality but you get the picture. i'll take some pics of our caps...just imagine some really fabulous blue eyeshadow and jewels on our faces. it was SO fun

exercise works dang it

well i have to write this down because it may never happen again in my whole life. yesterday i bought a skirt that was a size--6! ok that may not seem like a big deal to those who have been blessed to be little but let me tell you from my neck of the skeletal structure woods this is major. the best part is, all i'm really doing is exercising, and not even a crazy amount. i mean that is big! anyway, its exciting to see that all those weights and all that time on the tred mill is actually doing something...wow.

the real life of a brady housewife

those are pics of Jade getting into the flour, getting into my make up, finding pads and making an art project....alana getting into everything. our house is a mess for a reason, kids...and i hate cleaning up after them every moment of my life. thought you would all enjoy seeing the normal days in our house.

updates

wow. since i got my new phone that has the internet on it i dont even come by the comp anymore....so i haven't posted for a while. lets see...the girls are great. Jade is learning more phrases everyday her new one lately is 'come help me out'. i think its darling. she found a jar of nail polish brought it over to me and stuck out her hands and feet, 'mommy, help me out.' She loves everything with wheels. Thank heavens for cameron. She loves when the car goes fast even. Everytime our neighbors come out with something with wheels- tricycle, car, bike- she MUST get on it. so we went to toys r us and got her trike...we got her a princess one that she rode all over the store, she loved it. granted not as much as the battery operated Jeep that costs $300 ... We get the bike home, she is jumping with glee, she is riding it all over the house. we take it outside and....no intrest. seriously none. She loves to pick out her own clothes, so if she see her wearing something really funny that may have been a day when she was insistant on her clothing choices- either that or her daddy dressed her. kidding cameron. She is super fiesty though. i honestly feel like i'm raising a teenage that has the vocab of a two year old. when we talk to her, if she doesn't want to hear you then she will just stand there, maybe even turn around, staring...the eyes may glance sideways at you, but otherwise you do no exsist. when she does something wrong either she goes as fast as she can to keep being naughty or she breaks down into an emotional mess. sometimes i want to give her away. never seriously but sometimes...
Alana, alana, alana. my keep baby. she is so much more brave than Jade is. i mean when we put her in the bath her sticks her face right in the water! over and over! she climbs onto everything. she is already climbing up the stairs- she cant walk. she loves to be with her sister. even when jade is mean to her- which is often. about two weeks ago i was in the bathroom putting things away. alana was standing up holding onto the toilet and jade was standing on top of the toilet. suddenly a scream, i turn around and scoop up alana- thinking that jade kicked her or something, i dont even look at alana, just start talking to jade...alana wont stop crying. i turn around and blood is pouring down her face. obviously i start freaking out. and that is the moment that jade wants all my attention. anyway lots of tears later and three dentist visits- Alana fractured the bone that encased her tooth. thankfully she didn't damage the actually tooth at all which is a miracle. The doctor set the tooth no pain killers, nothing, he set it and held it as i held my screaming child) the next two times that alana saw that doctor she starting crying immediately, poor thing. anyway there was only a 10% chance this was going to work- if it didn't the tooth would have to be pulled. Cameron gave her two blessings and her tooth is fine! i mean really! it is sticking out a little so she looks a little like that shark in finding nemo. we are so happy! Yesterday for the first time she let go while of me while standing up and just stood unassisted for a while! she will walk before summer! that is really all i need, because then her knees and hands wont be disgusting. she is kind of a momma girl, which is a good balance with jade who doesn't like me.
so the kids are good, growing and good.
cam and i have started a new exercise program in the mornings, it is great. the only problem is that we want to go running and only have a single jogging stroller. so if you have a single jogging stroller or even a double jogging stroller you would like to part with, please let me know. we have new plans about what cam is going to do for the next couple of years in his life but i wont divulge in case we once more change them as that seems to be our favorite past time. cameron will graduate in aug. amazing. then maybe i can go back to school and finish, wouldn't tha be amazing. anyway i would continue in the updates but alana is crying now.

a defense for food

i'm reading a fabulous book right now...i'm just recommending it-- In defense of food: an eater's manifesto by michael pollan

It is so interesting, seriously...dont worry more posts will come from ths little gem. just pick it up and read it. but be prepared to not want to go to the grocery store for a while.

neat

well, i stole an idea from my neighbor, tina. we turned the closet under our stairs into a play area, with the very back being a nook for reading. my girls LOVE it. plus it was quite fun to make actually. we hung a rainbow curtain right at the enterance. then we hung up christmas lights all around, put wall stickers up and stuffed that thing to the brim with all of jade's stuff. fun.
Alana is crawling all over the place and now she sits up well enough that both girls can sit up in the bath together. how cute is that? i'll tell you- very cute. Jade is doing great in the potty area of life. a few accidents but really she is so great. its amazing.
oh the other night cam and i had a 'date'. we tried to watch termanator (stinkin' scratched netflix). i went to the dollar store and got drinks and snacks for us. i got in my rockin' footies. it was fun even though the movie didn't work very well.
yeah, so here are some pics of the cute girls in my life. dont you just love a little naked baby?

i'm a night owl

*sorry about the spelling...if you dont know my spelling issues-deal. also, i dont have a filter this late so...deal...or dont read it. i'm simply writing for the sake of writing...*
why do i stay up well past when i should be in bed? its past two here and i'm still up. my mind is wandering and truly i dont want to go to sleep. i know that i would feel better the sooner i went to bed but that would also mean that this night would be over. i'm not even doing anything, just allowing junk to stream in from the glowing screen. before i had kids i used to stay up this late all the time. often i would go for walks. the moonlight would drape around me making the ground glow. With it full above my head i felt like i was in another world, a world all my own. it was safe, quiet. nothing moved, all slept but me. in my silence and solitude i could find the peace i never found while the sun was shinning. perhaps this seems terrible to those who love the day. trust me i love the sun. its warm rays touching my body. but there is something special about the moon. that white globe you can stare at. asking questions and mumbling responses just doesn't quite hold up in the glaring daylight. in Fallon i had a lot of space to walk. i could pound out my pain, my troubles with the owls and the cayotes. we were comfortable together. my quiet steps, their silent eyes. the sage were more than spikey bushes, the horizons didn't end. secrets could be kept in the middle of the night. anything was possible at night- witches, fairies, dreams you didn't dare to tell anyone but the silent glowing banks hugging flowing rivers. when i moved to utah my walks didn't really change, just the scereny. i know i worried my parents. if only they knew i trecked the small streets of provo or cedar alone--so late. i found little houses with black windows that held lives i could only imagine. creepy guys not quite sure what to make of a lonely wanna-be goth-girl milling around in the middle of the night. i found anwsers driving in my car (when that finally came) well past three in the morning. the most beautiful mornings where after long nights. even with a full moon before the sun comes up the world starts to lighten. you're sure it was light before but suddenly grass begans to have a color, the dirt turns from white to a kind of brown, depth returns to those bushes. everything is possible as light peeks over mountain tops. yellow turns trees into golden statues reminding you that life exists. pink and purple help you to see the light blue of the sky. suddenly birds will start cherping. the sun doesn't just light up the world as it starts its daily journey it warms your soul as well. a warm cup poured directly into your core. you are that glowing tree, surounded by gold and pixie dust. i think i got through depression because of those long nights of walking, wondering why, wondering how, wondering...wondering...and those mornings that told me i would someday find answers. that someday i wouldn't cry, that someday i would love. and i do. so here i sit at 2:33 and why am i awake? i've fed alana twice since we first put her down and i just tried help Jade go potty then 'nuggled' with her until she was happy, and yet i'm restless. my sweet husband is dead asleep behind me on the couch. why cant i join him? i think it may be the silence. the alone-ness. there is nothing but the sound of my clicking, the hum of the computer. for the first time all day i can just think. i can ponder. my brain and me can be reunited. oh dear friend how are you this good night? i imagine that its just me and this computer with nothing but black behind me. there is nothing but these words, the beauty of them. the glory of langauge. i can imagine all over again. i can delve into the stories in my head. i can pretend that i'm a writer, i can go into my 'own little cornor'. tiredness seeps into my bones, my stomach, my squishy middle...but going to sleep...it means i have to wake up and be a mom again tomorrow. it means that all day i get to try again at all the things i feel i fail at. i know that when the sun is shinning everything will be fine. but tonight...in this blanket, this familiar blanket. it wraps around me, holding me tightly, reminding me that i am a woman. reminding me i am seperate. my brain still tinkers around. i am all that i want to be and all that i could be. nothing is lost. sinking into this alone-ness feels like a warm bath. my dear friend the moon, i wish we could once more walk together on those paths of country dirt. someday i'll lay in dew filled grass and count the stars again. i'll watch you swim across the sky. i'll bathe beneath your light. but for tonight i know i must seek sleep for alana will awaken again before its even five and then both kids will be up at seven. good night self, good night pixies.

a few things...

Ok! so...here are the wonderful things that have been going down in our little abode. First and foremost- i turned 25. wow. its an odd feeling to suddenly be a REAL adult. I mean before 25 you cant rent a car and you can still excuse all your bad behavior on the fact that you are 'young', 'immature' and it could be endearing. Now...that is not the case. i now am old enough to have two children and its not weird. The weirder thing is that when my mom turned 25 she had four children...wow. anyway. it was a great birthday. my mom came up and we all know that is the best present i could get. cameron, my mom and i all went to the Hale Center theater to watch 'The Importance of Being Earnest'. Hilarious! honestly, i dont know who was playing Celia but she stole the show, she was a roit. Then on Thursday night cameron and I went out on the town...well really we went to a hotel, swam and slept. But this is the first time since having Jadynne that we were alone all night long together. it was amazing. seriously, to sleep uninturupted for eight straight hours...unbelievable! We went to Ikea on friday and made my organization bug turn into a full blown illness. my phone died saturday morning so when i finally got it plugged in and running sunday i had some messages. As i lay in bed sunday night i saw all the little blessings that the Lord had given me in the last few days. I could see them stack one by one in front of me reminding me that He is always there and listening to my prayers. Here is the biggest blessing--well miracle really- JADE IS POTTY TRAINED!! seriously, i'm not kidding. I didn't even do anything, she just did it. on sunday we put a diaper on her for church because we didn't trust her in nursery but other than that she has been in panties since saturday. We have only had two accidents--both on sunday and both were because we didn't get her to the potty in time. on sunday we went for a walk and she made it the entire walk! i know! we put her in daipers at night (simply because i'm lazy and dont want to hastle with changing queen sheets if she does have an accident) but she doesn't even really pee in her diapers! i haven't cleaned up a poopy diaper from her in a WEEK! I mean now she runs to the potty when she needs to go and before naps or bed she goes to the bathroom. I'll say 'jade why dont you try to go since its nap time' and dun duh duhhhhh she goes!!! i know that you are all sick of the peeing stories but this is truly a miracle in my life. it will save us at least $50 a month. wow. then my mom got me a bread maker for my birthday--i've been really wanting one-- with that machine and a potty trained girl we will be saving $70 a month. wow. its just been great over here. i think i'm getting a sinus infection and alana is sick but i'm not even sweating it because--JADE IS A BIG GIRL.
It really was wonderful to have my mom here for a few days. i really wish we lived closer because she is one of my best friends. we can just talk and talk and there is never any worry that we are talking too much, are too overbearing, or just in some way being rude. the best part is that we always talk about interesting things. always. i love my mom. she thinks. she discusses. I was talking to my sister in law the other day and found out that yes truly i do talk to much, i dont allow others to get a word in edge whys. i'm sorry about that. i guess i just expect people to intrupt me when they have something to say, like how my family does. anyway, that is my new goal- shut up and listen. there you are, life is great at the bradys.

elmo's potty time!!

i am in love with elmo. we bought jade Elmo's potty time monday night. yesterday we let her watch it for the first time. she wanted to sit on her little potty almost all day. then we let her watch it a second time last night...and wonder of wonders in the middle of the show she came into me and was tugging on her skirt. i took off her skirt, she ripped off her diaper ran into the bathroom and closed the door. She did not want us in the bathroom or even looking at her. twenty minutes later she cried i came in and duh dun duh!!! she had gone #2!!! i didn't aske her, i didn't prompt her she just went in and went to the bathroom all by herself! i am so excited. Elmo is amazing. if he can get her to be completely potty trained i'm sending them money.
On the subject of growing girls, alana is sitting up! so cute. she is getting up on her hands and knees now, trying so hard. She loves to be sitting up. my girls are getting big! i dont even know what to do with myself.

my birthday...

so, its my birthday coming up and i need some advice. Mom is coming up to watch the kids overnight for us. so what should we do! we have about $100 to spend. we were going to stay in a hotel but...since i HAD to buy these flippin' jeans that i will not tell you how much they are the plans now must change if we want to do anything other than sleep in a super scary crappy place. instead we are probibly going to sleep at grandma walker's house...super comfy...all i need is to not hear my kids all night and sleep in as late as i want. awesome. so, ideas people. i need ideas. what would be best things to do for 24hrs.......k thanks for the help.

heart glasses

for christmas marla gave the girls some amazing outfits but rising above all else were the two heart shaped glasses. both girls love them. here are some pics of the last little bit!

a few good men

We went to Cameron's cousin's son's baptism (wow i know) on saturday. I have to just post a little bit about it. The Walker family is amazing. Honestly. Every member of Cameron's extended family that lived within driving distance came to Jaxson's baptism, i mean everyone! It wasn't just his aunts and uncles, it was his mom's cousins, his grandparent's siblings. Even Lee and Mimi who dont even go to church came. What a show of support and family. I was so impressed. Cameron's family is so wonderful about being together. They make it a point to spend time together. I honestly feel like i've been adopted by Cameron's aunts and uncles. Sadly, i would say i would feel more comfortable calling them for help than i would calling some of my extended family. This kind of dedication is so hard to find. They are gems.
Now the sad part. Three boys were baptized on saturday and the saddest part about the day...not one had a worthy Dad to baptize or confirm them. Not one. It was either grandpa's or uncles who picked up the slack. I was struck by how sad that was and how hard this world is. The Lord expects us to be our very best and so few can actually do it. There seems to be so few good men. And while being worthy to perform in the priesthood is a public display of worthiness i wonder how our women are doing. I just look around and see how much evil there is in the world, how hard it seems to be to keep pure and good. Where are our candles set upon the hill? At the end of the day i found myself committing to be better than i was yesterday, to be worthy to call myself a christian, to be worthy to be counted among His sheep. let us all stand up and be one of those few good men.

some good photos

folded hands...so cute

i love this guy

such a goof

...so i finally got some pics of cameron and i. dont i have a cute family.

christmas

us girls
yaya! presents!
what a mess
happy girl

we decided to open all our presents before we went to Fallon for christmas...we didn't want to transport out stuff back and forth...so we let Jade open a present every now and then leading up to christmas...really we just let her open clothes as stuff. i figured she doesn't really get christmas yet so why not see her joy in opening a present all season long? anway, we left the two big presents from us just before we left. so the monday before we left Jade got her kitchen stuff. she was pretty excited. the funny thing now is that Alana seems to like them more than Jade. funny. I dont have any pics of Fallon, as my camera got left behind (along with my phone charger...awesome) so i dont have pics of actual christmas. we had a wonderful time. We didn't sleep at all since we were all in the same room...it was really...tiring. Cameron had a great time helping my dad and david. he was a cowboy for a few days. :D Jade had a great time with her cousins. ever since we've been home she has started saying 'go home...gammie's"...then if she hears any kids outside she says "Goldie!!" I think she had a good time. Alana had a great time being held by other people. And amazingly enough she was good for my brothers for an entire afternoon. I had a wonderful time being with the girls escp my mom. It was great to be with my whole family, i love them all so much. So christmas was great!

first hair cut

Alana Pooping...
Jade's first hair cut
yes she is wearing her boots

not bad i think