Funerals...

Cameron's step grandmother died last week and therefore we went to a funeral today. I sat there with a crowd of people that i'd largely not met and had nothing but death and the meaning of life on my mind. i guess that is kinda the point right- death makes us all think, really hard about life, death, purpose etc etc. This little old lady died on the operating table at 89. She took care of her husband who has alztimers (ok i cant spell it and you all know what i'm talking about). The day she died they had to keep telling him that she was dead, he had to live it over and over again. He finally remembers now. The entire viewing he stood by her casket and held her hand. The whole time. Even though i didn't know them i almost cried, it was so sweet, so tender, and so heart wrenching. Eventually everyone we know will die, including us. Everything we have will be gone. The only thing we will leave behind in this world is a memory, an idea of who we used to be. i dont think that idea or memory will ever be complete as no one knows us perfectly (except God and i'm talking about all the mortals living here on this ol' green planet). so my thought was- what kind of memory are we leaving behind? What kind of idea? When others will think of us will their minds go to happy times, to grand images and ideas or will it be only saddness, or worse- nothing. When i die i hope those left behind will think of joy, of laughter but most of all goodness. isn't that what we all want? a little more goodness in this world? i look around at all the pain in the world and think to myself- why? whats the point? i know that i know all the awnsers to this their the gospel. without the knowledge of the God's plan i'd be one pissed and disillisioned kid. But even this that knowledge at times i wonder- Heavenly Father, Why? Why do children have to experiance so much pain? How can you let these little angels come down to horrible parents, or a starving nation, or violence...this list could be endless. So in this cruel world where there is blood, suffering, wailing, and silent tears i think we all just want to have a little more good to counter act the bad. I want to be one of those people that adds goodness. i'm know i'm being repeditive here but i dont know how else to say it. I'm rambling.
Ok, on the reason i got on to write this post- for the funeral i made Jade and Alana black dresses. i know they didn't need to wear black but it was really an oppurtinuty to have some creative expression in the world. I didn't get a pattern- as those suckers are 15 bucks a pop. So i just bought some fabric two zippers and some clasps. i share this because...well i'm flippin' proud of myself. i am not a seamstress, seriously i dont have the patience. but isn't it astounding what we can do with a little time and ambition? i never would have thought i could do this, but i overcame my self doubts and just tried it!!! So here you go! my masterpieces.

pics

k i cant figure out how to turn this stupid song off, sorry, mute it from the top jeez

nursing again.

well, i'm on a rollercoaster ride. the morning after i wrote my last blog Alana decided she wasn't ready to stop nursing, either that or she was no longer going to eat ever- quite the diet plan. She would no longer take a bottle, at all. I ate milk and oreos the night before so that i wouldn't be tempted to nurse her. Well, she just cried, screamed and wouldn't eat. obviously i started to break down. I called the doctor, and they said that since she had never had blood in her stool nor had ever had a diaper rash she probibly wasn't allergic to dairy (awesome, i've been without dairy for no reason). They said, start nursing her again and see what happens, come in if things get worse. Well she nursed (kinda) and stopped screaming. Now, she sometimes nurses and sometimes wants a bottle, i can never quite figure it out but the result of all of this--crying a lot of crying. For the past couple nights she has been waking up multiple times. She is even more squirmy then before which makes nursing laying down and both of us falling asleep impossible. I dont know what is wrong, i dont know why my child is unhappy a lot, and in pain a lot. We cant allergy test her yet because she is too young. I'm at my wits end, i'm tired. Our sweet jade hasn't skipped out on being an almost two year old either. Two nights ago the cute thing woke us up at 3am...singing. She sang for more than an hour, than cried. Last night she get us up at the same time because she was having a full blown conversation, than cried. Between these two girls i'm quite tired and Cameron and i have run short on patience. its ok though because they are beautiful and amazing little things when they are happy. thought you may want the update.

Giving up

After a long and painful process we have decided to switch Alana over to formula. It just didn't seem to matter what i did she would still get upset. I never knew whether she would be happy or not. I'm so sick of her tummy hurting. So, we, well me mostly, made the painful decision to switch her over. I cried most of the night last night. I never thought i would really like nursing. The idea was weird to me. However, i love nursing. I love holding my baby close to me and giving her something no one else can. I love the bond that i feel. I love when she looked up at me with those big blue eyes. I had really agonized over this. Everywhere you read tells you that nursing is best and that you should nurse no matter what. Well, finally I thought, how could it be better than formual if her tummy hurts. If i can make the pain stop wouldn't that be better. So, we are doing that. I'm hoping this is going to really make a difference. Now my boobs are so engorged- ouch. I never had to do this Jadynne since my milk just dried up with her. So i hope that the milk goes away quickly. I think the most important thing with kids is what is right for them, what makes them the most healthy (way to go captian obvious). But i think sometimes we try to follow experts or a philisophy or ideology (man i was going for a word i could spell i came up with two i cant spell). I guess its just me, but its hard not the listen to everyone in the world and think - i should do it this way- and not listen to the voice in my head. I listened to that voice and gave her formula last night and guess what- she slept for 11 hours. she sleeps better than jade. goodbye nursing hello formula.

PS I love you.

Ok, we got the movie 'PS I love you' yesterday in Netflix. Wow. I cried through the entire movie. It was heart renching. I'm sure some people didn't like it but i really did. I never want to watch it again but the first go around i really liked it. Its about a women whose husband dies. I seriously cried the entire movie. As i was watching it i was hyperly aware of the warm body sleeping behind me on the couch. i couldn't help but think of what i would feel, what i would do if my husband suddenly died. It would kill me. i couldn't help but look at this girl and think 'yeah i'd be freaking out too'. Anyway, i cried i laughed and in the end i felt better. it gives a hint of a tidy ending but just a hint. i thought it was really good that at first they dont make everything perfect, more realistic in my opionon. i mean they have to give a hint but before the hint i felt that the ending was great. why is it that we girls are so silly? why do we think our husbands can fix everything and should know everything without us even saying them or thinking them for that matter? i think we need to just appreciate that man in our lives. we need to give him a little bit more slack. how many times are we too critical or too demanding. how often do we get mad over things that dont really matter? whens the last time we just let go, let go of the houseworries, the kid worries, the bills, all the worries and just had fun with our man? that we just calmed down a little and let everything just be. i'm rambling. the point is, i watched this super crying movie and couldn't help going away thankful that the man in my life is still in my life- with a renewed sense of wanting to always treat him wonderfully and really apprcaite that he is my husband.

ok i had this amazingly great blog written up yesterday and then my internet stopped working, pooped out, and now i have to start over. no good. i mean my blog was witty, interesting, funny, well written...now you are all stuck with my usual- hurried insanity. i never have time to really get these things right. i mean i dont even read over them after i've typed them, so its truly stream of consciousness writing, misspelled words and all. i tried to post a vid of jade talking but it wont work so you'll just have to talk to jade yourself to hear the cuteness. the pics are just some recent ones. David came up to provo a couple of weeks ago and jade fell in love, but really whats not to love about this kid? i love him. I went to garage sale shopping this last saturday and boy did i score!!! i spent $11 and got 13 things. yeah it was awesome. i mean i got two china tea pots that are beautiful, my mom a christmas present (lets be honest i'll probibly end up giving it to her early), a bunch of toys for jade, some shoes and skirt. The best part about the skirt is A) it fits me and B) its a a size 8!!!! thats right i'm back down to a size 8, i'm so stoked! those 300situps five times a week is working! Enough about my nonsense, the best purchase of the whole day by far is the fisher price kitchen for Jade. She adores this, honestly, huge love there. She plays and play, pulls our finger over to her so we can play with her, plays. its so cute. i made her an apron so now we can cook together. it is going to be so fun to go and do things together as girls as my kids grow. i was so worried about having girls but man this is fun! Potty training update: quit. Seriously to worst experiance of my life. are you flippin' kidding me?!?! I tried the '3 day' training process and was done in 8 hours. i've never had so much pee on me in my life, ever. you are supposed to just follow your kid around for three days and as soon as they start to go to the bathroom you rush them to the potty. you are supposed to constantly be praising them, and constantly telling htem to tell you when theyneed to go potty. i'm sure that if you dont have any other kids and a nanny and a biohazard suit this method would be great. as i have a baby, no nanny, and a serious lack of biohazard suit this method was a peeing hell. Jade peed: in front of the tv, on her chair, in Cameron's shoes, in her shoes, on my lap, oh my hip while holding her, in the kitchen, in the bathroom, around the potty...everywhere- a zillion time. i ran the panties through the washer three times in three hours, it was going constantly. she went through at least 50 pair of panties in three hours. perhaps that doesn't sound like a lot to you folks. well i'd like to challange all those naysayers out there- change your undies 50 times in three hours, yeah feel the burn! at one point i had no panties left as some where drying in the dryer, some where in the washer and the rest where full of pee on the washer. i mean this is nuts. if i wanted to get pee all over me i'd be a nurse- as least they get paid for it. why do you think i quit that job working in the handicapped home? i was sick of smelling of pee and adult diapers when i got home. i was so stressed out doing this stupid potty training. i didn't know there could be that amount of liquid in such a small body. so, next month we are going to try something else- something with where i'll get less pee on me is the plan. I'm learning how to belly dance. i decided that this would be a fun way to exercise. we have netflix and so i can get this beginners belly dancing video online. its stinkin' hard! i'm not kidding. it took forever for me to figure out how to do the horizontal 8 with only my rib cage. i'm pretty sure i still look like a fool but its fun. i've never thought of myself as a sexy person, i mean i'm gangly and oddly shaped. you watch those dancers, really anywhere, and think whoa how do they move like that. mostly when i try to dance seriously i just look foolish- not anymore my friends! i'm going to learn how to move so that i dont look like a fool and even better i'm getting great abs while i do it! ha! So, there is the update to our lives.

Success!!!!!!

I would like everyone to know that Jadynne went #2 on the pot this morning. i could tell she needed to go, she had that face so i picked her up and put her on the pot. She stayed there until she was done. When she was done she got up and walked over to me, huge grin on her face. i was so excited i just about threw a party. she was stoked about the stickers so i figured what the hay and let her put up two. i know this is not completely over considering the next minute she was peeing on the floor but every little step counts right? i've decided to try the whole three day thing since she now has learned how to take off her pants. That was my one saving grace if i put pants on her she couldn't get her diaper off...no go now. so i feel forced to make this happen, unless i want a naked peeing child running around forever. please, pray this works. oh and more great news, usually to get alana to go to sleep i have to wrap her up super tight and bounce her to sleep. this morning i laid her down on a blanket on the floor, she rolled over and fell asleep, BY HERSELF. wow. this is amazing. my life is getting so much easier. heavenly father is blessing ne right and left. pray this potty training works.

potty training

We are starting potty training. i honestly wish i could have this sweet chair for jadynne. I'm pretty sure she would be already trained, heck i'd use this and feel like a princess the whole time. Anyway, I decided that now is the time because A) Jade takes off her diaper at any oppurtunity. B) Once her diaper is off if she needs to go to the bathroom she does...anywhere...in her bed for example, poop for example. C) She understands what i'm saying and can respond even if it is with attitude she can respond. D) She takes off her daiper and pees in her bed, did i mention that one? Anyway, so i bought her this little training potty. She loved it! well, not at first. At first she was terrified of it. She wouldn't be in the same room with it and she would cry (scream) if i asked her if she wanted to see it. So i just let it be. i did something else. Pretty soon Jade was walking into the bathroom pulling up the lid and sitting down. i asked her if she needed to go potty 'yes' so we did the whole undressing thing and i sat her down. she is usually pretty shy about going to the bathroom so i just sat outside and talked to her. for the next twenty minutes my naked daughter ran back and forth between me and her potty sitting laughing, reading a book and then up running over to me talking in gibberish. When i tried to put undies on her she flipped, so i tried a diaper more flipping then i realized: she doesn't care abuot potty training she is excited to be naked. She loves to be naked. What more could i expect from the daughter of a memeber of the naked as a jaybird club? I guess that she would like swimming more. Anyway i'm not trying to push this on her but yesterday she actually went a little and got a star on her chart. We use big girl undies for a while everyday and i hope that she will just get this. wow wouldn't that be amazing to only change on kid's diapers? wouldn't it be so much cheaper!?! Awesome.
funny story: Jade is super smart, i've decided, either that or she has an amazing memory. We read her a lot of books, mostly the same ones over and over but still i've got those suckers memorized. Yesterday we were at the dentist and i'd brought her Hop on Pop book. She picked it up and didn't want me to read. she'd turn the pages and on the right page she'd say 'hop pop hop pop' or 'three, tree, three, tree' or 'ball, wall, ball, wall'. so cute. what i've alwasy wanted a reader!
here are the words she uses on a constant basis: up, down, milk, sippy, yes, no, no, no, one, two, three, black,all done, more, juice, no, DADA, DADA, DADA, dada, mama, dada, maemae, eyes, nose, mouth, mine, baby, poopoo, poddy. We can get her to mimic a lot more but i think she actually knows what those ones mean. ISn't it amazing to see a child grow, to see them learn and develop? Wow, i have a lot to say this morning i obviously haven't talked to mom enough lately ;)