real food. oh and a mass

here we are week two of the new goals and i have at least accomplished doing this blog two weeks in a row. that should be award worthy.Last sunday i came up with a four week schedule of cleaning chores and a list of daily cleaning chores. apparently most women are just born knowing what needs to be done in order for the house to look 'homey'...like special towels in the bathroom you dont use (learned that one when i was with my sister-in-laws last month...and here i was thinking we only have towels in bathrooms to dry your hands or body on...who knew they were decorative in actually houses and not just fancy shmansey hotels) or that you need to actually clean the oven more than once a year (or ever) or that...i dont know but apparently there are a litany of things i dont actually know- SO in order to remedy this problem i came up with a cleaning schedule and wowzers it has really worked. my house has never looked as clean in its whole life of being built. honestly, i'd bet you from the time the timbers were put into place and the paint was slapped on it has been dirtier than how it looked most of this week. most days i was dripping with sweat as i worked my little hiney off to get my lists checked off. then thursday night happened.
i called my mom to talk to her about a podcast cameron had sent me and she laid a bomb down. now she was very ninja like in her approach as she waited until we had talked for 20 minutes about the podcast- suddenly her little foot came up and boom! 'so hunny i need to tell you something kind of serious, they found a mass in my bladder today during the ultra-sound and its looks like i probably have bladder cancer.'
lets let that sink in for a moment
bladder cancer
bladder         Cancer
CANCER
feel it, feel it down to your bones, feel it in your gut, let that marinate on your little synapses.
feels like sandpaper on your soul doesn't it. its that dead feel when you cant really feel but you know once your heart starts beating again its really going to hurt because part of it might be dieing. now you cant really let yourself feel any of the things you want or do feel because everything is still in the 'if' stage. there is no clear path and with no clear path blackness seems to reign. the worst endings come about. the mind whirls around trying to figure out which way to go. do we flip out? do we stay calm? what does this all mean really? not mom. not my best friend. even if death is a far away idea i still hurt with the idea of what cancer treatment means. chemo is essentially a nuke going off in a person's body. they give patients poison to kill the cancer...but its poison. my mother who is alive and vibrant and brilliant cannot, should not endure such pain. then i realize that many daughters have sat where i am sitting, more daughters have been in worse seats. sitting there thinking- not my mom- not her. understanding that it may be minimal- understanding it could be much worse doesn't change the off kilter beats of my heart because my mother is a constant force. she has been a strong force forever- never to be dimmed or diminished- she couldn't be hurt or ever really be gone because she is...mom.
so i want to sit in a corner and read all day- hiding in another world- i want to reach out to my brothers and hug them knowing their hearts are on the fritz with mine. mostly i want to know exactly what is going on and for my freak out to be dramatic and all for nothing because lo and behold that mass or growth or tumor (pick your adjective) is simply a skin tag inside. i have been a wreck. i feel stupid for being a wreck. i should just handle this. but the truth is i'm a girl, a whimpy dramatic girl. needless to say my lists and schedules didn't work so hot friday and saturday. tomorrow begins a new week and it will be stellar.

onto the kids. we started the twins on real food yesterday. william was not a huge fan. he gummed it around for a minute but mostly looked like he wanted to choke. calvin on the other hand is in love. first time he ate two bowl fulls. he loved the stuff. i certainly hope that means he will start putting on more weight. next to william he looks anorexic. they are sleeping through the night and it is brilliant. they smile so much. they laugh those little wind up squeals- right before they can actually giggle. mostly they are just trying to make noises now and it is super cute. oh those boys.
Walker-
I caught him the other day standing with a neighbor boy (micah) with their pants around their ankles standing in the front yard. micah was teaching him how to pee in the lawn.  perfect. three bathrooms is not enough you need a lawn just in case! today during sacrament meeting he dropped his notebook and yelled 'damnit!' well at least everyone knows what i say when i'm frustrated. cameron and i couldn't help but laugh. oops. he is now sleeping in the girls room again. we want to move the twins and he loves to be with his sisters so much. when they aren't around he asks where's 'lana where's jadynne? darling. his new thing this week is to run as fast as he can around the kitchen and end at the front door slamming it shut (ifs it open) or just running into it as hard as he can. all the while yelling 'mom watch me so fast!'
Alana

this was her last week of jump start- the little program before kindergarden to help her adjust. she loved it. i had no idea what was going on because she would say stuff like 'we have a water party everyday' or 'my teacher made me cookies and candy and we ate them and went to the beach and had a water party' i do know she loved her teacher. so thats good. she felt so special to go every morning with cameron- just the two of them when he would drop her off. she did pretty good this week cleaning her room. she helped me make rice crispy treats tonight and chattered away at me with her eyes as big as walnuts. she told me she learned a new song in primary and proceeded to make one up. picking out different things in the kitchen for lyrics.
Jadynne-

well a few days ago she went outside with her new notebook and pen and told me she was going to study the weather. about an hour and half later she had drawn the sun in the sky. she was doing experiments on the weather and needed to make observations. she also hung up a blanket under alanas bed slats so that she could put all her stuffed animals in there (like a net) and still be able to sleep on her bed underneath. such a smarty pants. i was making dinner the other night and she asked to have the empty cans after a bit i relented and she made 'bongo' drums with them all i had to give her was tape. amazing. this kid is so creative. she makes me so proud. everyday she surprises me with her little brainy ideas.
Cameron has been amazing. sweet and attentive. the cleaner house has really been wonderful for this family unit. we are trying to study words for the gre together. which is funny because now he is saying these crazy words all the time trying to fit them in. its pretty great.
so thats the week.