Normal week

Not much happened this week. Walker throws tantrums. The twins are happy. Alana is sweet and hard. JJ is amazing and stubborn. William can now climb the stairs up to the landing. Calvin is the happiest baby. He will just play in his crib. Walker just screams all the time for what he wants. Then he will say 'can I for my birthday' or 'can I have that on Halloween?' Funny. I'm reading for half an hr to Alana by herself. I hope it helps. We are having her repeat kindergarten. This parenting thing is so stressful- am I f-ing my kids up?? JJ is stubborn and throws a fit if she doesn't feel heard. But she is also amazing. We had home teachers the other night and she put an apron on and a towel over her arm. Then took their coats and hung them up. Haha.so cute. She is doing great with her Goldie blox. Such a smartie pants. I have started my yoga teacher training. It's amazing. Life altering. The perfect thing for me. I am a hippy at heart and this combines all my beliefs and my religion beautifully. I love it. Hopefully I can really open a studio this summer

Goodbye sweet Katie

We sold Katie yesterday. Essentially I cried all day long. Practically it makes more sense not to have her. With the twins crawling it's getting even more crazy town in here but emotionally I'm a wreck. I love that dog. Thankfully she went to a good family with a big yard and cute kids that will adore her. She will be happier with them because they will have the time to train her so she won't get in trouble all the time. Sad. 

Scary week

So it's been a little bit of a stressful week. I have been feeling this tension and energy building for a while and a couple of days ago it felt about to explode. Thankfully I have a wonderful cousin that I could call. I called amber an she totally understood what I was going through. She understood my need to build a fire and watch things explode. She understood my wound up spring inside that was about to break. I was on the brink. She talked me down. She gave me tools. Predictably the following day I was lower than I've been in a long time. I couldn't force myself to care. It was hard to move. I wanted to hide. To run away and escape. Because now I have to face something I have been scared of for a while. I think I may be bipolar in some degree. My mom has been telling me this for years. No no I have shouted I merely struggle with depression. But two days ago I felt the brink of mania get ready to plunge me over the edge. Today the world feels right again. I feel peace. There are not sparkles in my view nor a tunnel allowing me a small window into the world. How long have I cycled and done things irrational? The blessing of my children two days ago is that because of them I called amber. Because of them, of not wanting them to have a memory of their mother throwing vodka into a fire I sought someone I knew could help me. This new reality I am looking at is frightening. It is scary. Cameron is supportive and kind. He isn't scared. Amazing. I am so blessed to have him and so many great supports in my life. When I called mom she simply was releaved to talk about it openly. She is wonderful. Somehow I will find my center, my peace. My life will not be destroyed by this imbalance. So here is to the future of figuring out my mess...

Ultrasound for Alana

So we had to take Alana to primary children's to get an ultrasound in her bladder. They put in a catheter :( poor thing just screamed. I felt terrible for her. They put liquid in her bladder- took pictures- let her pee- took pictures. And prognosis?? Constipated! Like her whole intestine is full of poo. So her bladder has no space and no wonder she is getting uti's. Feel so bad for her. Jeez. We had to be up at primary children's at 7:30am!! So early. So there I was with twins a three yr old and a five yr old. Afterward when I call mom she says 'you should have gotten a sitter.' Well mom! Hell of course I would have liked a sitter but Cameron can't take work off- two out is three of my friends babysit other kids already. The other friend is too overwhelmed. One sister in law is in Florida and Sarah takes her kids to school. Not to mention that I would have had to drop kids off at 6am! Shiz. So there wasn't really an option. Sigh. They were really good though. And it could be so much worse . I hate seeing sick kids. Saw a kid at the cafeteria with tubes and wires all over him- his mom put him in a wagon so he wouldn't have to walk. So sad. My kids aren't dieing. My kids aren't super sick. I can handle poo. It's been quite a week. Monday i had a meeting with Alana's teachers were they are classifying her as developmentally delayed and want her to redo kindergarten. Oh my sweet girl. I want what's best for her so holding her back seems good for her academically but what will that do to her socially or psychologically? She is still making up most words and not communicating well. She is still not remembering really anything. Oh I worry about her so much. Hopefully getting her digestive issues figured out will help these other issues.

Yesterday was a terrible day. Walker was screaming that he didn't have the same amount of milk as Alana. He had more. Then he told Alana she was a flower which made her cry because she did t want to be a talking flower I have to water. She run upstairs then came halfway down to yell at walker 'no one likes you!!' Then after I told walker he couldn't have chips which he then precedes to get and bring upstairs to see if I'll do anything. I took the chips. The last picture shows what happens. I the kids fought all day for nothing. We went to classic fun center last night. JJ did really good on her roller blades. Walker couldn't do his scooter so we got him skates. He liked those for a moment. Then We gave the skates to Alana. She loved em. The babies were easy. It was fun

Let see if this helps...

I just uploaded an app for this- so let's see if this makes it easier for me to blog :) so I turned 30. It was awesome! Best birthday ever. Went to the temple and fid sealings with Cameron. Got new nike shoes and sweats. Came home and had a 'golden' party. Low and behold my parents surprised me!! So fun! I got a text from my mom saying she would be at the party in 5 mins- thought she was kidding- 5 mins later she strolls in. So amazing. We played charades and pictionary. What a blast. The babies are getting big. Hopefully things are going to get worked out with Alana. We took her to get an ultrasound on her bladder and kidneys. We go to the urologist tomorrow. We just need to figure out if something physical is going on with all the peeing. Talked to a couple ppl about autism. They think she might be on the spectrum. Sigh. Hope not. But mostly I just want to help her so that she will be happy and successful. Walker is a pill bucket. He cries all the time and throws fits constantly. Three is terrible. Then he is sweet. He tells me I'm beautiful or sweet. Ahh. Someday the fiesty three will end and our sweet bit will always be there. JJ is doing great. She has a spacer on the top if her mouth since she has Cameron's mouth: too small with too many teeth. It makes her lisp haha. But she is doing well with it. She is so stinkin smart and it's great to see her getting older. I enjoy her more and more. She is amazingly responsible and helpful (most of the time) she gets up and makes her bed. She has started laying her school clothes out the night before. All on her own!! Amazing. She cleans up to help me. Sometimes she is a pill but mostly she is wonderful. My kids are amazing. I love them so much. I'm so lucky. It's nice to have fraternal twins because it shows me that I literally have nothing to do with the development of my children- what a relief. I mean Calvin can now sit up and started crawling two weeks after William. William won't sit up but will pull himself to his knees and climb the stairs. Calvin loves to feed himself real food and William refuses. William will hold his own bottle Calvin won't. Amazing. It's so great to be a twin mom. To have two Snuggley sweet babies. To get to love them all the time, I'm enjoying my life so much. Now some photos