back again

after a long long break i'm back. i dont know how long i'm be able to keep up blogging but i really need to keep a journal of some kind. i dont have time to catch up on everything i didn't write about so i'm not even going to try. just like repentance we are going to start fresh with a clean slate- looking forward instead of backward.
so lets see how everyone is doing right now...starting with the oldest
Jadynne- she is six- holy flippin crap. she started violin lessons two days ago and loved it. her teacher said she was picking it up quick. great. it would be fabulous if she was good at music it will serve her so well and lets be honest i've always wanted to be good at it. i'll live threw her :) she is doing really well learning to read and is a wiz at math. she loves school. personally her teacher drives me mad. honestly how does the woman have that high of a voice ALL THE TIME. i feel like she and the chipmunks are related somehow. also i dont feel like they are challanging her at all. it is kindergarden i need to calm it down. but jj is pretty helpful most of the time. she has quite a temper and can be a sneaky little thing. its going to be terrible when she is a terrible because she will be smarter than me and will sneak everything. i wont even know. she is already obsessed with boys. its terrible. last year she kissed a little boy on the cheek and his mother called me to let me know. what do you say to that- uh sorry? she already slams doors and yells that she hates me. so it can only get better.
Alana- sweet little tornado. she is the most sensative and emotional little creature ever. she loves to help me in the kitchen. LOVES it. or fold clothes. she is sweet. i need to be better about letting her help me. i jsut get focused on getting things done as fast as i can but i need to calm down and let her help. she soaks up the praise like a sponge. her pre school is awesome. lets be honest it has a kangaroo. and any pre school with a kangaroo is awesome. i worried about her with the other kids because she has a hard time calming down but she is doing great socially. her teacher suggested she not go to kindergarden next year. i'm looking into doing a transitional kindergarden. she is super smart- she just has a disconnect it seems with remembering colors and letters etc. i hate for this to be hard for her but the sooner we can figure out what is going on the better. she is our hardest kid right now. she just gets so revved up and cant seem to calm down. and if you dont do what she wants the spirl just escalates. she is easier for me than for cameron. because i think he is ruled more by his head and less by his heart. i get the emotional outbursts. that is how she is trying to communicate. not that i dont get frustrated. i do. sometimes she just does things that dont make sense. i picked her up from preschool today. as we are getting in the car she says 'i have to go potty' then squats fully clothed mind you and pees--right by the car. no attempt to go back into the preschool or hold it until we get home. nothing. then we are in the car driving home and for no reason she hits walker and spits on him. really! she just does things i dont get sometimes. but she is the friendliest soul you've ever met. she loves everyone. she is going to be our singer for sure. she sings all day - making up songs.  she is so cute.  i really really love alana. i just need to figure out how to help her with impluse control i guess.
walker- sweetest boy...now in the terrible twos! he is obssessed with spiderman right now. he has a spiderman costume that he wears everyday. and night if we let him. its hilarious. we will watch spiderman and the whole movie he will say 'thats me! thats me! i'm spiderman! i'm flying!' he is doing really well with potty training. he caught onto peeing really quick but pooping was a whole other matter. he would just poop on the floor and then mess with it with his toys. first it was his tools- the measureing stick and clamp...then it was...oh i cant even remember now. but i just threw whatever had poop on it away. silly boy. but as of the last two days he hasn't pooped anywhere but in the toilet. he is pretty excited to be such a big boy! he and cameron are buddies. cameorn loves to have him around. and walker just sits and plays with his tools or helps cameron shovel off the driveway. sweet. the next big goal with walker is to get him to sleep all night in his OWN  bed. he will go to sleep in his own bed but most nights he rolls out of bed.  but every night he climbs into bed with us. he doesn't just want to sleep with us he want to sleep ON us. its pretty funny. when i get home from work cameron is on about a foot of the bed and walker in plastered to his back taking up more room then cam. walker is a sweet boy though, he loves to kiss and snuggle. he loves hugs and obeys better than both girls.
so onto us parents. cameron is still with the skin. he is in....i have no idea what its called. quality? regardless he hates it. so much. they dont pay him enough of course and really he needs a new job. he was going to apply for grad school but that is kinda on hold for a min. he has been back and forth on a beard for the last two years. it can grow like crazy. he is a burly man with that beard. i love it! he's as handsome as ever. and loves to have a house to work on. there are always a million projects he is in the middle of. love that guy
and me...well i'm pregnant with twin boys. so that should be fun. they were supposed to be born in june but yesterday we found out that they are sharing a placenta so they will take the babies between 32-36 weeks. so april. awesome. i'm very nervous about this. very. we got rid of all our baby stuff because while i was back in school i thought we were done for about 5 years. then i thought well we really need one more...God said nope you need two more. i'm worried we wont have all the things we need or the space. but mostly i'm worried i wont be able to take care of two newborns properly. how will i nurse them both?!? i feel kind of cheated at the same time because i wont be able to snuggle the babies the same way i would if they came by themselves. i worry about dividing my attention between them. i mean i'm already dividing attention with three older kids. then with twins you want to make sure that you dont compare them too much or force them to be the same. they are two individuals but it seems so easy to just treat them as a block. i'm trying to have faith that God knew what he was doing in trusting me with this. i'm dont feel like a good enough mom for this challange. honestly i generally feel like i'm failing with the three i already have. this seems to be exsarbated lately because i've been working graves. starting next week my schedule will be from 10-2 so that is better. the last little bit it has been 11-4 and i'm just so tired during the day. that isn't going to get better when the twins come. ahh i hope i can do this. i dont really have a choice.
well that is the news from wobegone.  busy busy busy

tired

its 11:30 and i'm still up....again
the fatigue just sits into my bones
curving my back
slumping my shoulders
i should lie down to sleep
i should cut out a costume
i should call all those people i miss
i should
i should
i should
all these should's make big didn't's
but i did make a wreath today
i did finish one costume
i did watch a child
i did make apple sauce
i did ruin dinner in a very royal manner
i will be happy tomorrow
i will have too many projects
too many to-dos
too much crying
i will snuggle perfect angles
that often are in cahoots to kill me
i will kiss my best friend
i will feel loved
i will accept my life
at some point i'll figure out my guilt, i'll figure out my lists, i'll figure out my crazy... as i've often told others my girls are born emotionally handicapped- well now i know that they are actually just like me...i was born emotional
i was born crazy
i was born embarrassed
i was born enthusiastic
i was born with too much energy
i was born...me...

is there ever a time when we are not in a state of introspection?  so often i'm thinking about my life, my motivations, who am i, what am i doing, what should i be doing- is all this 'my, my, my' really just showing me that i'm completely self-obsessed?  maybe...probably...so how do i change this? 
i miss nevada.  i miss the brown. the warmth. the purple mountain majesties. i miss the ease of friendship. i miss those ties you made before kindergarten at the outdoor swimming pool when your mom just needed a break.  i miss the thrift stores. i miss those starry nights that cannot be touched by any other place i've been.  that milky way that shines so bright astronomy feel close.  that god feels close.  i miss my cool, wet lawn. i miss space between houses. i miss space that isn't landscaped and manicured and 'perfect' i miss trails that aren't paved or even beaten down. i miss the smell of sage after rain.  i miss being 5 and believing the perfume i made from that sage was the best smelling stuff there was- really i miss that perfume, i'd wear it now.  i miss dirt- real dirt.  not shipped in dirt- not dirt coming threw cracks, but real dirt- roads of dirt- plumes that waft behind you as you drive.  i miss the sun in the morning warming my back when the weather is changing to fall.  i miss places in the river where no one ever is...where you can be alone, where you can feel a part of the world, the nature, the planet. you can be a speck.  i miss never locking my doors. i miss the smell of alfalfa. i miss animals. i know that my home is here. that where my husband and children are that is my home. but fallon will always hold my heart.  that smell of cows on sheckler cut off on the way to the high school.  lattin farms and going and picking your own raspberries. church dances that were fun because my friends were there.  swimming like a fish- no constraints- just the cool feel of the water clothing me. i know that skinny-dipping is weird- whatever- i felt safe, enclosed, protected in that water... those sunsets that take up the entire sky will always spell home to me.  home to me means easy and that is what fallon is to me- easy.

another day when learning to relax hasn't happend

ok...Jade this is for you when i need to embarrass you or make people laugh on your wedding day (if we both make it that long)
Jade woke up at 5 am...5...it was dark outside...we went back and forth from beds, i finally got her to stay in bed by taking away a bunch of glow in the dark jewlery. At about 7ish i hear both girls up and laughing. Then crying because Jade who has climbed into Alana's crib cant get out again. We all get dressed cameron leaves and alana looks tired so i put her in her bed for a nap. Jade HAD to put on her new ballet outfit. So i taught her how to 'ballet leap' and twirl with her hands in the air. Then we just danced to music for a while. When she was done dancing we colored then alana woke up and we had a snack. It was about 11:30. we went for a long walk. I had to buy hair dye so we walked all the way to Smith's. I thought they would be happier if i got them something -plus i've been wanting to get Jade a snow cone for a while. Into the store with the snow cone we go- its all over her the floor, the stroller- awesome. On the way home the other half of the snow cone that was in Alana's styrofoam cup gets spilled and Alana proceeds to eat the cup. not kidding. Jade is yawning and talking about how hungry she is the entire way home- how she needs a sandwich. Its 12:30 when we get home. I make a sandwich for Jade. She will not eat it. wont do it. no. eat or go to bed now- bite. eat or go to bed now- bite. Finally the blessed hour of one comes and its NAPTIME! Alana goes right down. I put Jade in our bed as usual. She is up. I show her that I am throwing away the ballet outfit that is so cherished. bearly a whimper. get her in bed and she starts crying- you will stay in bed. Daddy comes home about 3 mins later. He is swatting flies hears him and comes out 'i'll deal with this christie' After the third time of her coming out i roughly grab her and chuck her in bed 'DONT GET UP!' cameron leaves 15 mins later. i look in my room to see if she is finally sleeping....She is sitting on my bed eating my BoM. literally ripping out the pages and stuffing them in her mouth. i am flabbergasted. She has turned over the basket of folded laundry so that she could stand on it and proceed to spread my jewlery all over the place. The filing cabinet in the closet has its first drawer open with papers pulled out of it. i'm about to pull my hair out. Alana is up again. i have to dye my hair, its already mixed. I pull both kids out of the rooms with strict orders to 'behave!' I get a little dye on my hair when i hear something tinkling in the kitchen. rush in to find Jade has pulled a chair up to the counter, climbed it and is standing on the counter sucking on the end of a tylonol dropper with all the medicine around her. i yell (i admit it). She runs out. i go back to the bathroom to finish and she and alana have pulled everything on my side of the sink off including the fake flowers onto the floor. I push them both out. i am the huffing wolf. I get everything back in place get most of my hair done and see that jade has pulled all the magazines out. drop of dye on the bathroom sink. alana tries to paint the counter. It works. drops everwhere...i'm almost done. 'mama, i need to wash my hands' I missed getting one tub of lotion. Jade took it into the living room and dumped it on her head, all of it, on her head. i'm done dyeing and about to die. she pulls her panties off and gets into the tub. I am about to lose it--honestly its gone, whatever it is, i am devoid of 'it'. I get both girls in the tub. Since one cannot take a bath without the other. First they are very cute getting conditioner all over each other, washing each other up--except...they are getting conditioner all over each other. I take every bottle off of the tub sides. I start to fill the water. my hair is setting. Jade starts pushing alana's head under the water...i am the wicked witch, where is my broom and monkeys i want to sniff in those popey flowers. send me down a rabbit hole. finally we are all in the shower and i'm getting the dye out and putting the conditioner in when jade in using the side of the tub as a slide hits alana they both fall and alana bites her cheek...blood coming out of her mouth.
In the midst of melting down i called sarah - my life line - please my let come over, or come here or at least get jade to play with ethan i am going to die. so after the shower we all get into the car and head to sarah's. Jade falls asleep in the car...of course. If she could only learn to calm herself down without being strapped down i think we all would be happier. in the mean time i hope that i make it through tomorrow- i'm driving by myself with both girls...maybe i should consider alocholism...

tenacious

there a few words to describe jade: stalwart, unwavering, really really smart, tenacious...we got these glow in the dark bracelettes (sp?) from micheals for a dollar the other day. last night cameron gave jade one before bed. he told her he was only giving her ONE. she wanted the other one, she wanted an orange one. ten minutes of arguing later and she finally realized that dad was serious. he would give her the 'orange' one tomorrow. she went to bed. In th wee hours this morning i hear jade's door open. it is dark. its the dark right before the sun comes up, so you know its morning but to be awake is a sin. then i hear a plastic bag, our door 'orange, mommy, orange' huh? 'orange dada' 'jade what time is it? you need to be in bed, get back in bed now.' 'orange dada' She had woken at the crack of dawn found the bag with the glow in the dark bracelettes hidden behind the couch and come to tell us that she wanted her orange bracelette now. it was tomorrow afterall. you know that this girl is always going to get what she sets her mind on...stand strong in the face of opposition and accomplish her goal because dang it orange bracelette are IMPORTANT!

normal day...

highlights:
i told jade that she couldn't play with the cue sticks. 'why?' 'because you're a kid and these are for adults.' 'i'm not a kid i'm a princess.'

we had to go to a funeral so i was trying to explain what a funeral was. i told jade that when this nice lady was done with life she was going home in heaven to heavenly father. 'i want to go' 'where do you want to go' 'i want to go with jesus.'

As i was getting ready for the funeral i was on the phone with friend ooh and aahing over her problem. i went into my bedroom to change my clothes. i didn't think about how jade and alana where still in the bathroom i had just left. when i went back into the bathroom jade had gone poop in the toilet and alana was playing in the unflushed toilet. Jade was standing on a chair in front of the mirror cutting her hair.

Joel, the boys and joel's girlfriend came over for dinner last night. Jade was on one. At first she couldn't leave nathan alone and kept getting right into his face or jumping on his lap. Next she moved onto Connor. She would stand on the arm of the couch and jump on him. over and over and over. finally he looks at me and i said, she's not going to stop. so he turns towards the tv and ignores her. she jumps on him. By the end of the night she is playing slide down luchie's legs. Alana on the other hand freaked everyone out with her climbing. she only fell once but was of course on everything. She flirted with everyone and then walked around and made everyone laugh--she walks like she is drunk all the time. And when she is trying to get a grin she pushes out her butt and chest and saunters away. pretty funny.

so that someday i will laugh...

mom suggested that i write some of this stuff down that has been happening so that someday i can look back and laugh...sure. jade is a maniac. she doesn't sleep. seriously. we have been fighting her for weeks on bed time. since we've moved into our new place we cannot tie her door closed. therefore we put her ot bed- she gets up- we put her to bed- she gets up and wakes up alana- repeat for two hours. so i gave in to cameron last night and we pushed her bedtime back an hour. why not put her to bed when she actually was falling asleep before...i put alana to bed first then sat on the floor and read to jade for an hour. we sang songs, we brushed her teeth, we said a prayer and i layed her bed. she was yawning and rubbing her eyes- so stinkin' tired, i thought this may actually work. my was i wrong. not even two minutes after i put her to bed she is up, she smiling little face peeking out the door- runs back to bed. three minutes later she wakes up alana. she wasn't asleep until ten. alana woke up at midnight, sometime later, three, and then jade woke up and then was up for good at 6:30am........yeah. the other night i prayed what to do and thought 'be more loving'. i'll tell you something thats the hardest thing to be. since i got a pass to seven peaks yesterday my new plan is the go every morning for an hour. we went, the girls were having a ball. after rescuing jade from trying to drowned herself under the tire swing for the fourth time it had been an hour and it was time to go home. i pulled jade out of the pool and the tantrum ensued. falling down, screaming, running away, trying to get back into the pool, a full blown death is approaching tantrum. finally strap both girls back into our car and i look over- lo and behold alana has thrown up all over herself...awesome. clean her up. on the way home i look back and more throw up and what is that, what is that all over her legs, her hands, oooooh diaherra...everywhere...throw up and diaherra all over everything....nothing could make this better. fast forward to after lunch. alana of course goes down like a saint since she is trying to transition to one nap a day. i put jade in my bed with books, toys, all her stuff. door, put her back to bed, door, put her back to bed, door....time out! crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying crying. put her back to bed- she is finally out. maybe. yesterday she found the diaper cream i had accidently left on the floor and rubbed it all over her body, hair and the brand new carpet...this morning she found a blue colored pencil that i had left on the dest and marked all over a wall. how about some cute things? this morning cameron went to get alana out of bed and she was playing pook-a-boo with her blanket when he walked it. so cute. before the dredded naptime with jade we couldn't find her and she was sitting on her bed 'i'm reading daddy' dang cute. when i was stressed trying to clean diaherra and throw up off everything jade says 'i want to dance'. i cry most nights lately. if you wanted to know the truth here. motherhood is hard, i'm not good at it. i'm trying to figure out how to do this. but someday when i'm old and gray i believe i'll read over this and laugh and think wow what a ride that was.

so we moved...

we hated our old landlords, couldn't wait to get away from them but cameron hates to move. since he did it a lot of his growing up years he has a lot more experiance with it than i do. we looked and looked and couldn't find a dang thing. we thought- shoot one more flippin' year with these people! we signed the contract and gave it to our landlords. That same day i was talking one of our neighbors. They had found this 'perfect' apt but didn't want to move--they walked us right over. It fit every requirement we had. we moved in a week later! It is $25 cheaper than what we were paying last year- its mostly in the ground but wonder of wonders all the windows are above ground and therefore feels like its not a basement! The rooms but the kitchen have ceiling fans :D It has brand new carpet and paint. huge rooms! did i mention that? HUGE HUGE HUGE rooms. our master bedroom is enormous, i think its the biggest room of the apt. the girls are now sharing a room and i think its going to be great. with any move there will be some growing pains. The move---sucked. it really really sucks to move. as this is the first time that i have moved as a family unit i was surprised by how much it sucked. i lived my whole life in the same house. when you're single and moving its not a big deal since everything you own can fit your backseat. Cameron and I moved into our last apt before Jade was born and therefore we had almost nothing. fast forward three years and we have a ridicilous amount of crud! I now understand why cameron did not want to move. Most everything is unpacked which is great. and we really love this little gem. it has a backyard and everything. we are a block away from the park. Cameron can still walk to work which was a necesity. i mean the only negative about this apt is that it doesn't have enough storage. we hated having to leave our friends at the old place. but we are still close enough that hanging out shouldn't be too hard. Anyway- sarah was amazing and watched our kids overnight for us!!! we could not have moved if she hadn't done that. Jay and Jesse helped us load and unload...Anyway- we are so excited about this and just wish that all our friends lived close enough to see our new diggs and be excited about them with us. it just feels like a new start and even when you liked your 'old' life doesn't a new beginning just feel refreshing sometimes--like taking a shower in the middle of the day sometimes just feels really good...here some pics...befores and afters: